Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Her special hat

A Very Special Hat

Last year, I was feeling pretty hopeless about my chances for another baby. I kept having miscarriage after miscarriage, and I was starting to wonder whether I would ever hold my newborn in my arms again. The losses were really wearing me down, the only thing that kind of kept me going was the hope that next time, maybe next time, things would work out. For too many next times, they didn't.

'Everybody' around me seemed to be getting pregnant. 'Everybody' around me seemed to be having babies without any problems. There were new babies all around, whenever I went anywhere. And here I was, getting pregnant just fine, but losing every single one of those pregnancies.

One day, I was in the thrift store, and I found this cute newborn baby hat. I just couldn't resist. I had to buy it. I felt a bit silly about it, since I thought I might never be able to use it. But I still bought it.

At home, I put it with my ever growing stack of fertility tracking charts. Every morning, when I woke up, I would enter my bbt and other stats, and see the little hat. Every time I started a new chart, I saw the little hat. Every time I felt discouraged, I took out the hat and just held it and stared at it, hoping that one day, I would be able to use it on my newborn.

In April, I had the myomectomy, and a few months later, got pregnant again. I was still holding on to that hat. It was a symbol of hope to me, a symbol that even when things were at its darkest, that there still was a sparkle of hope and light. That this hat was waiting for my new baby.

And here we are, a long time later, and she is wearing her hat!!!! It's not just stuck with my charts anymore, it actually is being used on my deer baby. I am so happy! This sure is a very special hat!

The pain is much better today, and the swelling is going down. Even during the night, the pain was better, so whatever it is, it seems to be resolving itself. My mom left today, so we are back to just the nine of us. It's nice to be on our own again, somehow having visitors just changes the energy in the house. And the best thing, I got my last tomato seedlings planted! Phew! :-) Maybe some day I'll actually get everything planted, then I just need to try to keep up with the weeding and harvesting :-) How many zucchini plants did I plant again?

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