Monday, October 06, 2003


Today I am feeling less nauseous than I have been, which immediately sends me into extreme worrying mode. I am close to the time that I found out that my other baby had died, and in hindsight, I had been losing symptoms before that awful ultrasound happened. So I think I am re-living that now, sending me into a state of worrying and wondering. What if the unthinkable is happening again?

I really feel like I have lost my innocence, my trust that being pregnant means having a live baby nine months later. That being pregnant means I get to experience those first tentative kicks, that being pregnant means that I get to shop for baby clothes and slings again. My last pregnancies have been frought with worry, and eventually with yet another loss, it is hard to move beyond that. Most days I am trying to do just that, but today, somehow it's not working :-(

And yes, I do know that it is normal that symptoms wax and wane, and yes, I do know most likely the nausea will be back with a vengeance. But today I am just plain and frankly worried about it all. I have been eating everything in sight today, which maybe why I am not feeling so nauseous. But I just keep thinking that my body might be recovering from a nauseous pregnancy by starting to eat again.

On the good side, I have a killer yeast infection, which is an excellent sign. And I still am really really tired, although I am wondering how much that is caused by having visitors and having a homeschool meeting here today, as opposed to by the pregnancy. Maybe my mind is just playing games on me, tricking me into feeling exhausted?

first crocus of 2003, at the end of March
Talking about inlaws, they arrived safely and have been staying at our house from Thursday till this morning. They are really nice, but she is such a neat freak, the almost constant vacuuming and cleaning is starting to drive me crazy! I have had instances of pouring tea for myself, walking away for a few minutes, and coming back to an empty, and washed and dried tea cup.... And the teapot had been emptied and cleaned already too, so I couldn't even get a new cup of tea...

I took them to the farmer's market on Saturday, which would have been fun if it hadn't been raining all the time. And we planted hundreds of bulbs together, which was fun, and will have me look back fondly on that part of their visit once spring is here. And I have to admit that it is nice in a way to have somebody around who does the dishes the moment they happen, as opposed to ignoring them all day like I tend to do :-)

They left today for a trip to the White Mountains, to see the fall foliage. I think it must be really nice up there right now. They will be gone till Thursday, it is nice to have the house back to myself for a while. I felt free to go to bed for a few hours this afternoon, mainly wallowing in self pity about the lack of symptoms and hoping that I was really feeling tired, and not just stressed or depressed.

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