Monday, October 20, 2003


I am majorly re-living the 3-weeks-wait between finding out that my baby died, and the actual physical miscarriage. All those emotions are coming back to me, all the stress, and worries, and sadness. All the feelings of inadequacy, of unfairness, of despair. All the feelings of 'I should have had a baby by now, or at least be quite pregnant'. All the feelings of emptiness, and of envy for other moms who just stayed pregnant and had babies, while I was stuck in Miscarriage Land. It was horrible. Heck, it still is horrible, I feel like I am living through it all again.

Usually I would bake and garden to deal with the stress, but I just do not have the energy at all. Which is good in a way, because it bodes well for this pregnancy. But bad in a way too, because it gives me too much time to think. I have considered going on a long long hike, but I lack even the energy for that. I still do my morning walk, but that's about all the exercise I am getting, and it tires me out, which is totally unusual for me.

This morning I made chocolate syrup, so at least I can feed the kids milk shakes again (one of the few ways to get at least some calories in my very picky, and very underweight boys). Then we had to go to the chiropractor, pick up some bagels at the Bagel Basement (usually I would have baked those myself). Back home, have a quick lunch, and off again to karate, and the supermarket. I am exhausted now. I wanted to bake some banana bread from a bunch of very ripe bananas (you know, the ones that attract a annoying swarm of fruit flies). But there was no way I could find the energy to do that, so I ended up making banana splits instead. Easier, and most of the kids loved it. Even although half of them didn't even really eat the bananas, oh well.

During my supermarket visit, I was sooooooooooo nauseous, I kept looking at all the disgusting food there, and wondering how people could eat all that crap!!! That should be a good sign too, right? LOL

It seems like all my symptoms are still here, and I am happy to still be pregnant, but boy I am stressed about it all right now! I think I will feel a lot better once I am past the 11.5 weeks mark when my latest miscarriage happened.

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