Thursday, October 09, 2003

They will be back!

Tonight to be exactly :-) And I have basically been ignoring the house and the dishes, hoping they would go away by themselves. They haven't shown any signs yet of doing so though... I guess I need to get working on them soon, but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I was going to freeze tomatillos this morning, and they still aren't frozen, I could barely get them washed and peeled. My energy level is zero! I love it! Well, if only my inlaws wouldn't be on their way LOL.

I did get 81 bulbs planted this morning, but I don't think that really will impress them. I am satisfied about it though, just a few more bags to go, maybe about 125 bulbs or so? And then all the garlic and the shallots and I will be ready for winter!

I am very nauseous, so another thing to be happy about. This is around the time I had my ultrasound that showed me that the other baby had died. All the memories are flooding back to me, and one thing I clearly remember, is that I had been losing my symptoms even before the ultrasound. So still having a lot of symptoms is an excellent sign.

I have been thinking back a lot to that other pregnancy. I was so happy when, after a lot of losses, I finally found myself pregnant with what seemed to be a keeper. My hcg serum levels were nice and high, I made it past the dates of all the losses I had suffered, and I was starting to feel really good about the pregnancy, and about the possibility to actually end up with a live baby. I had an ultrasound at 6.5 weeks. I was really really really nervous before, I was so afraid not to see a live baby, heck, I am not sure what I was afraid of, but I was extremely nervous. It went wonderfully well. We saw the right things for that pregnancy length, including a little blip, which was the beginning of the beating heart.

I felt even better about this pregnancy and almost started to relax. Then the horrible 8.5 weeks ultrasound happened. I think I was less nervous than with the 6.5 weeks one. I mean, that one was ok, so why should this one be any different? When she just kept measuring, and didn't say anything, I wondered. Finally, I decided to ask 'Do you see a heartbeat?' She replied 'I am not supposed to tell you, but no, I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat'. Later, a doctor came in to give me the official news and to talk about what to do now. I was just in shock. I didn't even cry. At least, not then. The weird thing was that I hadn't expected this news, but on the other hand, I wasn't surprised by it either. It fit in so well with the rest of the miscarriages, it almost seemed like it was the inevitable end to my pregnancy.

I waited three weeks before I started to physically miscarry. Those three weeks were torture, and bittersweet at the same time. It was in a way good to deal with the emotional issues, before the physical part started. And it was nice to have some extra time with my precious baby, even although I knew it was very limited. On the other hand, there were times like when we were at Kate's gymnastics, and there was a whole row of four women, all of which were pregnant. One of them said 'Look, how wonderful, all those pregnant ladies in a row'. There I was standing next to them, thinking 'I am pregnant too, but my baby died!!!!' They didn't know about it, and I wasn't ready to share. It was hard.

Yesterday, I had a good friend over, who had a baby in August, the same month this other baby should have been born. Very beautiful, very cute, and she made me sad in a way for my loss, but there also just is something so calming about little babies. I held her a few times, loved loved loved it. There was a pang of sadness for what could have been, but I also have learned that I just can't live my life only thinking about the past, and about what has been lost. Instead, I am enjoying the present time of being pregnant and being nauseous, and hoping fervently that this pregnancy will finally be the one that will get us our keeper!

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