Sunday, October 19, 2003

They Are GONE!!!

Left yesterday afternoon, and should be home late today. What a long trip for them! I did enjoy their visit, but I am also really enjoying being with our own family again. The kids aren't thrilled that they have to wash our dishes again though :-) But it is nice to be able to drink tea again, without my tea cup being emptied and cleaned before I even took my first sip.

Still pregnant, still nauseous, still tired, and still wondering whether it's real, or whether it's all in my head. I am thinking back to the other pregnancy, where I found out at 8.5 weeks that the baby died, but still had to wait till 11.5 weeks till I actually started miscarrying. I am 9w5d now, so right in the middle of that period. All the emotions are coming back to me. All the fears and worries I thought were behind me, are surfacing again. It is hard to keep trusting this pregnancy. But I don't have much of a choice, worrying more about it will not alter the outcome at all, so I can as well relax and enjoy. Trying to live in the 'now' of being pregnant, instead of in the 'what if' of my worries. My mind can reason it all out, but my emotions still have some room for improvement :-) I have to admit that I am stressed about it all anyway.

My energy level is close to zero, which is a good sign, but a bit annoying too. I haven't been baking at all, well, apart from our daily bread. I am looking forward to the second trimester energy surge, if only because that will mean that I will be past the first trimester :-) There is lots of nesting to be done, and it will be winter, so that will be perfect timing for decluttering and cleaning. During the summer, gardening tends to get in the way of decluttering :-)

I am not puking, but just very very nauseous all the time. Don't feel like eating at all, and not like cooking either. I wince when I look in my fridge, at all the veggies that should be made into something, but I just do not have the energy or the inclination. Well, I guess I can always reason that they will feed the compost pile, so will improve our garden next year, right? And some days I actually do manage to salvage some of the veggies and make an easy soup or so, but it never seems to be enough. It doesn't help either, that I will sit there, staring at the soup, but not feel like eating it at all. Oh well.

So I guess things are going well, I just should worry less. But I sure still am very much enjoying being pregnant, I spent my morning walk saying over and over to myself 'I am pregnant, I am pregnant, I am PREGNANT!!!' It still seems like such a miracle to me!

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