Gardening

Today the snow had melted, phew! It was sunny, but cold, our highs were in the low 40s. I got some outside stuff done. Got my rosemary inside, so that it will survive the winter. I got four rosemary plants two years ago. I knew that they might not survive the winter here, so in the fall, I dug out 3 of them, and took those inside. The last one I left outside, but I put a lot of mulch on it, to see whether that would help it to survive the winter. It didn't. So I had 3 plants left, which I planted outside again in the spring. They grew a lot over the summer, so I have 3 big and healthy rosemary plants in my kitchen window now. Makes the kitchen smell really nice! As an after thought, I also took some oregano, parsley, thyme, and sage inside. I don't know how well that will work, but I figured I could as well give it a try.

I did some more cleanup work in the yard, the compost pile is a lot bigger now, and the veggie beds a lot emptier. I tied a bunch of corn stalks together to put next to our front stairs as a decoration. I like the way it looks. And the fact that it was free :-) Found another pumpkin that I have missed before, put that with the other pumpkins in our front yard. Getting more and more ready for Halloween :-)

I had to get the kids up early today, since it was pickup day for our coop. We are able to get lots of stuff in bulk for good prices. Bulk grains, nuts, TVP, all kinds of good stuff. Organic cereal a lot cheaper than in the supermarket. And the great thing is that I get the catalog in the mail, and then can put my order in via email, late at night, at my own convenience. Then a week later, I go and pick up all the stuff that I ordered. I really like this system.

Today, I baked daily bread, but that was all the baking I did. Tonight we actually got Chinese take out, so at least we would have some real food again, and a few leftovers. I didn't eat much, but I did enjoy what I was eating, especially the fried tofu with veggies. After supper, I had a nice neighborhood walk with one of my neighbors. I had missed my morning walk for a few days, because of rain and snow, so this was perfect timing.

One more week till the 11.5wo miscarriage date, I am still a bit worried about it all. I am sick and tired, but worried nonetheless. So I am writing to keep my mind off things, the gardening today helped too. There won't be too many more gardening days though, it's getting colder and snowier. I guess that's why I started the writing again, so I have something inside to keep my mind off things.

Snow!!!???

I was NOT ready for it yet. Not that I ever am, but this seems early even for New England. And yesterday wasn't too bad, it was snowing, but at least it didn't stay on the ground. But this morning I woke up to a totally white world!!! Amazing! And hopefully not a sign of things to come, last winter was snowy enough, we are due for a less snowy one this time! This time of the year, I really think we should move somewhere South!

I have been craving Apfel Strudel for a while, but somehow never seem to get around to making it. So what do I do, today of all days, which was a full day already anyway? Yes, I decided to make Apfel Strudel! It is not something I have done very often before. Actually the only one time I have tried it, I used whole wheat flour, and I blamed that when I couldn't roll out the dough thin enough to make a good strudel LOL.

Actually it turned out pretty nice. I used white flour this time, since I think that was part of the trouble with the last failure. And I still couldnt' get the dough as paperthin as I wanted it. And it seemed that there was too much filling for the dough (maybe because I didn't stretch the dough enough) But it tasted great! And three kids ate some of it, which is a miracle all by itself!

Of course, doing this, delayed our trip to the shoe store. We needed to get new ballet and tap shoes for dance lessons. And when we finally made it there, they didn't even have all the right sizes, geez! Time was ticking though, so we bought some, and decided to try to make do with older, a bit smallish ones for the ones still missing. Quick supermarket visit to pick up a FAST lunch and then about eight minutes to actually eat that lunch and try to find the old ballet shoes. Which were lost. I shouldn't have been surprised. We tore apart the whole house and finally located them in the costume box...

We made it to the dance class, only ten minutes or so late. What a good impression for our first class. My three girls did this class, and they did have a great time though, notwithstanding the stress we had before getting there. It's a class divided in tap, ballet and jazz, so they get a bit of everything. And the good thing is that they all still have lots of room for imrovement! :-)

Another quick stop at home, this time to eat a snack and then off to karate, where Jane had belt testing for the very first time. She had a white belt, the beginner one, but now is the proud owner of the next higher belt, an orange one! She is very, very proud, and very, very happy! She did a great job, I was amazed how well she remembered her kata. It was a bit challenging to watch the belt testing with Erik jumping around, he was not into sitting still and watching quietly. Now that was a surprise LOL.

Finally home and not having to go anywhere! I collapsed in bed with a good book,although the kids insisted on having dinner anyway, so I had to get out again :-) My dinner consisted of Apfel Strudel and sheep cheese. Well, it does have protein and calcium right? And the apples do have vitamin C.

I rewrote one of my old articles on potty training and sent it out to a bunch of local parenting publications. It felt like a huge step! Nothing might come out of it, but somehow I had been paralyzed by the thought of actually sending out articles. I seem to have passed that hump now, and I feel all geared up to send out lots of stuff. It's something I can do while sitting on my butt, unlike cleaning the house or cooking food :-)

TEN Weeks!!!

Wow! Double digits, how exciting!!! And a quart of the way there, if this one works out. I feel a lot better than I did yesterday, I think writing out all my emotions really helped me. It's a very cheap form of therapy :-) I still am sick, tired, and happy, so all seems really well today. It was a nice, quiet day at home, we didn't have to go anywhere. I like those days better than when we have to run from activity to activity the whole day.

I just re-read my 10 weeks entry from my pregnancy journal with Erik. How innocent I still was, I was thinking about the possibility of miscarriage, but it wasn't as real and overpowering as it is now. That was the week when my brownie craving started. We ate quite a lot of them for a while. Now I can't even stand the thought of brownies, much less muster up the energy to actually bake some. Not sure what my current craving is, I think only soft boiled eggs right now. I have eaten quite a lot of them since last week, when this craving started. And I still feel like making them for dinner again!

I have decided to get more serious about writing, and plan on sending out a few articles over the next few weeks and see what happens. I have been planning this for a while, but somehow never got around to it. I seem to miss the organizational skills to actually get my articles out there. But since I don't have the energy to do any physical organizing or decluttering, I can as well do this, since I can sit on my butt at the computer while doing it. Fits in well with my exhaustion :-)

So send me 'article acceptance vibes', and I guess I can use some article writing vibes too. I think I feel ready to start writing articles about miscarriages, a subject I have been avoiding for a long time, because I was too much in the middle of it.

Stressed!!!!

I am majorly re-living the 3-weeks-wait between finding out that my baby died, and the actual physical miscarriage. All those emotions are coming back to me, all the stress, and worries, and sadness. All the feelings of inadequacy, of unfairness, of despair. All the feelings of 'I should have had a baby by now, or at least be quite pregnant'. All the feelings of emptiness, and of envy for other moms who just stayed pregnant and had babies, while I was stuck in Miscarriage Land. It was horrible. Heck, it still is horrible, I feel like I am living through it all again.

Usually I would bake and garden to deal with the stress, but I just do not have the energy at all. Which is good in a way, because it bodes well for this pregnancy. But bad in a way too, because it gives me too much time to think. I have considered going on a long long hike, but I lack even the energy for that. I still do my morning walk, but that's about all the exercise I am getting, and it tires me out, which is totally unusual for me.

This morning I made chocolate syrup, so at least I can feed the kids milk shakes again (one of the few ways to get at least some calories in my very picky, and very underweight boys). Then we had to go to the chiropractor, pick up some bagels at the Bagel Basement (usually I would have baked those myself). Back home, have a quick lunch, and off again to karate, and the supermarket. I am exhausted now. I wanted to bake some banana bread from a bunch of very ripe bananas (you know, the ones that attract a annoying swarm of fruit flies). But there was no way I could find the energy to do that, so I ended up making banana splits instead. Easier, and most of the kids loved it. Even although half of them didn't even really eat the bananas, oh well.

During my supermarket visit, I was sooooooooooo nauseous, I kept looking at all the disgusting food there, and wondering how people could eat all that crap!!! That should be a good sign too, right? LOL

It seems like all my symptoms are still here, and I am happy to still be pregnant, but boy I am stressed about it all right now! I think I will feel a lot better once I am past the 11.5 weeks mark when my latest miscarriage happened.

They Are GONE!!!

Left yesterday afternoon, and should be home late today. What a long trip for them! I did enjoy their visit, but I am also really enjoying being with our own family again. The kids aren't thrilled that they have to wash our dishes again though :-) But it is nice to be able to drink tea again, without my tea cup being emptied and cleaned before I even took my first sip.

Still pregnant, still nauseous, still tired, and still wondering whether it's real, or whether it's all in my head. I am thinking back to the other pregnancy, where I found out at 8.5 weeks that the baby died, but still had to wait till 11.5 weeks till I actually started miscarrying. I am 9w5d now, so right in the middle of that period. All the emotions are coming back to me. All the fears and worries I thought were behind me, are surfacing again. It is hard to keep trusting this pregnancy. But I don't have much of a choice, worrying more about it will not alter the outcome at all, so I can as well relax and enjoy. Trying to live in the 'now' of being pregnant, instead of in the 'what if' of my worries. My mind can reason it all out, but my emotions still have some room for improvement :-) I have to admit that I am stressed about it all anyway.

My energy level is close to zero, which is a good sign, but a bit annoying too. I haven't been baking at all, well, apart from our daily bread. I am looking forward to the second trimester energy surge, if only because that will mean that I will be past the first trimester :-) There is lots of nesting to be done, and it will be winter, so that will be perfect timing for decluttering and cleaning. During the summer, gardening tends to get in the way of decluttering :-)

I am not puking, but just very very nauseous all the time. Don't feel like eating at all, and not like cooking either. I wince when I look in my fridge, at all the veggies that should be made into something, but I just do not have the energy or the inclination. Well, I guess I can always reason that they will feed the compost pile, so will improve our garden next year, right? And some days I actually do manage to salvage some of the veggies and make an easy soup or so, but it never seems to be enough. It doesn't help either, that I will sit there, staring at the soup, but not feel like eating it at all. Oh well.

So I guess things are going well, I just should worry less. But I sure still am very much enjoying being pregnant, I spent my morning walk saying over and over to myself 'I am pregnant, I am pregnant, I am PREGNANT!!!' It still seems like such a miracle to me!

NINE Weeks!!!!

And I am still having symptoms!!! Maybe this one will work out! I am feeling tired and nauseous, but then start doubting myself. What if I am not really tired and nauseous, but just am playing mindgames with myself? Since I so badly WANT to be tired and nauseous? Maybe I would have lots of energy if I just didn't pretend that I felt tired? It's a long road, getting through the first trimester...

Last night some one told me that I looked really tired, which made me feel better again. If somebody else sees it, maybe it's true after all! LOL And yesterday morning, I had my morning walk, got the inlaws out of the door, fed the kids, and then went right back to bed, because I was so tired. Still doubting myself though, I guess that will last at least till I start feeling the baby kick.

The inlaws are gone again for a few days. It's nice to have our house back to ourselves for a few days. Although I do miss the dishwashing she has been doing. I don't think I miss the vacuuming, that was just too often for my comfort level LOL. My house looked a big mess again today, much more normal :-) But I got the boys to clean it up, which was part of a long standing agreement, that I finally decided to start cashing in.

More than two years ago, they really really really wanted a gameboy, and we worked out a deal that they would get a gameboy, if they would work on cleaning up the floors every day, for the three months that I am always totally exhausted when pregnant. At that point, I thought that I would get pregnant soon, so it seemed like a good idea to do it this way. They got their gameboys, but I did not get pregnant. And after a while, I did get pregnant, over and over, but never reached the exhaustion part, since I would miscarry pretty soon after finding out. Even with my longer pregnancy, in which I made it till 11.5 weeks, I never reached the exhaustion part to have them start working on their part of the deal.

Today, I had been outside with a friend, and when I came in, I just was totally disgusted with the way the living room looked. Pillows, toys, pieces of paper, scissors, even cereal everywhere! Yuck! Was a bit much, even for me. I wondered whether I should start picking up, or whether I should enlist help. The help idea won :-) So I told the boys that today was the first day of their three months of cleaning! They groaned a bit, but did it anyway :-) And I am happy that I am finally in a position to have their part of the deal being done. It has been a long long two years to get here.

Two sick kids, Kate has croup, Tara was just throwing up and throwing up. I hope they will feel better tomorrow, there will be homeschool club and there's karate in the afternoon. No time to be sick :-) Both seem a lot better now than they were this morning though, so I hope it will all work out.

The inlaws will be back Thursday night, and then leave for the Netherlands on Monday or so. I guess I'll have to run a vacuum through the house before they are back, and maybe having the dishes done will be nice too :-)

This morning I had a bad craving for potato pancakes, so I made those, and added some fried tomatoes as a side. Yummy yummy yummy. The rest of the day I haven't felt like eating much though, so I guess it's good that I got that in.

This afternoon I planted the remainder of the bulbs. I think we must have a total of 900 to 1000 bulbs in the ground now, looking forward to spring to see them all bloom! We will have a lot less crocuses than I thought we would have though... The squirrels discovered them, and dug them all up, so there are tons of neat little holes all over the lawn, and you can see fat squirrels sitting there, happily munching on yet another tasty crocus bulb.... I never had that problem when planting them in groups (one big hole) I think because the grass is more on top of them then. But those were planted individually by my MIL, and that seems to be easier for the squirrels. Oh well :-)

They will be back!

Tonight to be exactly :-) And I have basically been ignoring the house and the dishes, hoping they would go away by themselves. They haven't shown any signs yet of doing so though... I guess I need to get working on them soon, but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I was going to freeze tomatillos this morning, and they still aren't frozen, I could barely get them washed and peeled. My energy level is zero! I love it! Well, if only my inlaws wouldn't be on their way LOL.

I did get 81 bulbs planted this morning, but I don't think that really will impress them. I am satisfied about it though, just a few more bags to go, maybe about 125 bulbs or so? And then all the garlic and the shallots and I will be ready for winter!

I am very nauseous, so another thing to be happy about. This is around the time I had my ultrasound that showed me that the other baby had died. All the memories are flooding back to me, and one thing I clearly remember, is that I had been losing my symptoms even before the ultrasound. So still having a lot of symptoms is an excellent sign.

I have been thinking back a lot to that other pregnancy. I was so happy when, after a lot of losses, I finally found myself pregnant with what seemed to be a keeper. My hcg serum levels were nice and high, I made it past the dates of all the losses I had suffered, and I was starting to feel really good about the pregnancy, and about the possibility to actually end up with a live baby. I had an ultrasound at 6.5 weeks. I was really really really nervous before, I was so afraid not to see a live baby, heck, I am not sure what I was afraid of, but I was extremely nervous. It went wonderfully well. We saw the right things for that pregnancy length, including a little blip, which was the beginning of the beating heart.

I felt even better about this pregnancy and almost started to relax. Then the horrible 8.5 weeks ultrasound happened. I think I was less nervous than with the 6.5 weeks one. I mean, that one was ok, so why should this one be any different? When she just kept measuring, and didn't say anything, I wondered. Finally, I decided to ask 'Do you see a heartbeat?' She replied 'I am not supposed to tell you, but no, I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat'. Later, a doctor came in to give me the official news and to talk about what to do now. I was just in shock. I didn't even cry. At least, not then. The weird thing was that I hadn't expected this news, but on the other hand, I wasn't surprised by it either. It fit in so well with the rest of the miscarriages, it almost seemed like it was the inevitable end to my pregnancy.

I waited three weeks before I started to physically miscarry. Those three weeks were torture, and bittersweet at the same time. It was in a way good to deal with the emotional issues, before the physical part started. And it was nice to have some extra time with my precious baby, even although I knew it was very limited. On the other hand, there were times like when we were at Kate's gymnastics, and there was a whole row of four women, all of which were pregnant. One of them said 'Look, how wonderful, all those pregnant ladies in a row'. There I was standing next to them, thinking 'I am pregnant too, but my baby died!!!!' They didn't know about it, and I wasn't ready to share. It was hard.

Yesterday, I had a good friend over, who had a baby in August, the same month this other baby should have been born. Very beautiful, very cute, and she made me sad in a way for my loss, but there also just is something so calming about little babies. I held her a few times, loved loved loved it. There was a pang of sadness for what could have been, but I also have learned that I just can't live my life only thinking about the past, and about what has been lost. Instead, I am enjoying the present time of being pregnant and being nauseous, and hoping fervently that this pregnancy will finally be the one that will get us our keeper!

Eight Weeks and NAUSEOUS!!!!

Phew!!!!!!! I am so much happier today, because the nausea is back in full force! What a relief!!!! And very tired too, I really don't think I can be making this up. Still a bit stressed about the close proximity to the date I found out about the impending miscarriage, but less now that I am nauseous again.

We went apple picking with a friend today, lots of fun. And now I have even more apples with which I will have to make something. Which wouldn't be an issue if I had some kind of energy. I think I'll bake an apple bread tomorrow morning for the LLL meeting. I have a cinnamon raisin bread started already, so if I don't get to the apple bread, there still will be something to eat :-)

There also was a corn maze, not extremely big, but big enough to keep us occupied and lost for a while. And they still had raspberry picking going on! Yummy!!!! We had a great time, and it was wonderful to spend so many hours outside together, since the weather is detoriating rapidly and winter will be on us soon.

Tonight, Cees had a court of honor and advanced to 2nd class scout. He was very happy about it :-) Dh came home early, so I could go to the court, just with Cees. Last time I took the little ones, and let's just say that they were way too bouncy for the whole ceremony. I can't really blame them, it was a long sit, even for me :-)

Tomorrow, there will be a LLL meeting, so I need to get the house in somewhat decent shape. It's amazing how fast my kids have messed up the rooms that my MIL cleaned. At least the LLL people don't really care what the house looks like, as long as there is freshly baked cinnmon raisin bread :-) I also will have a good friend coming to visit me in the afternoon, so it will be a fun day.

And I hope I will be nice and nauseous again tomorrow, it's a much better feeling than when I wasn't!

Worried....

Today I am feeling less nauseous than I have been, which immediately sends me into extreme worrying mode. I am close to the time that I found out that my other baby had died, and in hindsight, I had been losing symptoms before that awful ultrasound happened. So I think I am re-living that now, sending me into a state of worrying and wondering. What if the unthinkable is happening again?

I really feel like I have lost my innocence, my trust that being pregnant means having a live baby nine months later. That being pregnant means I get to experience those first tentative kicks, that being pregnant means that I get to shop for baby clothes and slings again. My last pregnancies have been frought with worry, and eventually with yet another loss, it is hard to move beyond that. Most days I am trying to do just that, but today, somehow it's not working :-(

And yes, I do know that it is normal that symptoms wax and wane, and yes, I do know most likely the nausea will be back with a vengeance. But today I am just plain and frankly worried about it all. I have been eating everything in sight today, which maybe why I am not feeling so nauseous. But I just keep thinking that my body might be recovering from a nauseous pregnancy by starting to eat again.

On the good side, I have a killer yeast infection, which is an excellent sign. And I still am really really tired, although I am wondering how much that is caused by having visitors and having a homeschool meeting here today, as opposed to by the pregnancy. Maybe my mind is just playing games on me, tricking me into feeling exhausted?


Talking about inlaws, they arrived safely and have been staying at our house from Thursday till this morning. They are really nice, but she is such a neat freak, the almost constant vacuuming and cleaning is starting to drive me crazy! I have had instances of pouring tea for myself, walking away for a few minutes, and coming back to an empty, and washed and dried tea cup.... And the teapot had been emptied and cleaned already too, so I couldn't even get a new cup of tea...

I took them to the farmer's market on Saturday, which would have been fun if it hadn't been raining all the time. And we planted hundreds of bulbs together, which was fun, and will have me look back fondly on that part of their visit once spring is here. And I have to admit that it is nice in a way to have somebody around who does the dishes the moment they happen, as opposed to ignoring them all day like I tend to do :-)

They left today for a trip to the White Mountains, to see the fall foliage. I think it must be really nice up there right now. They will be gone till Thursday, it is nice to have the house back to myself for a while. I felt free to go to bed for a few hours this afternoon, mainly wallowing in self pity about the lack of symptoms and hoping that I was really feeling tired, and not just stressed or depressed.

Stress!!!!

My inlaws will arrive a few hours from now!!! WAAAAAAAAH!!! I do like them, but I am totally stressed about getting the house ready. To the point of fighting with Sander about a stupid nothing, and bursting into tears to top that. How's that for hormonal? LOL

The house looks totally fine in my opinion, but I just know that my MIL will still find fault with it. Why do I even let it bother me? I know I shouldn't, and still I do. I guess there's some room for self improvement here LOL.

Jane is over her sickness, but now Tara got it. She complained that her head was feeling like she was getting a fever. She didn't have one yet, but about half an hour later, it was there. I told her it was good that she could figure out in advance that she was getting sick. Oh well, at least this illness usually lasts about a day, so not too bad.

The good thing about stressing over inlaws, is that I don't have as much time to stress about my pregnancy :-) But I have to admit that every time I feel a bit better, I immediately start wondering and worrying. Luckily I feel sick and tired most of the time, so that's good :-) Today I even spent some time in bed, which is very unusual for me to say the least.

I didn't feel like cooking, but I did need to get rid of some tomatoes which were attracting fruit flies, so I ended up making a simple tomato soup. I think I could have done with one hot pepper instead of two though, dh complained that it was too hot. I thought it was just fine, just a nice, strong, spicy overtone :-)

I drooled over my bulbs, but didn't actually plant any yet. Most of them are outdoor ones, but I also got some indoor ones, paper white narcissus and amaryllis, to perk up the house this winter. And there is garlic and some shallots, which will be fun to harvest next year. I got a bed prepared for the garlic already, still have to decide where to put the shallots.

It is getting colder. You definitely can feel that winter is getting nearer. I was hoping to dry some more herbs and mint and such before the first frost, but I might be too late already. If I am not, I guess I better get busy tomorrow, because there can't be much time left before it hits!

OK, off to pick up the inlaws, it's almost midnight, which will feel like 6am local time to them, so they must be exhausted! I don't think they will do much talking (or complaining :-) tonight.