Thanksgiving

I am grateful for my wonderful kids, who are always a joy to be around. (OK, almost always :-) I am grateful for my precious deer totem baby, even although I am still in a bit of disbelief. I am grateful for my husband who has supported me and loved me and cherished me so much in the 12.5 years that we have been married. I am grateful for my family in the Netherlands, although I wish they lived closer. I am grateful for the wonderful community in which we live, with an amazing number of good friends living close to me. I am grateful for a my on line communities, where I have met many soulmates, I wish I could meet all of them in person some day. I am grateful for a perfect house (well, almost :-) and a debt annihilation schedule which should make it totally ours in about five years from now. I am grateful for a basement full of healthy food, including a freezer with tons of produce from my own garden. I am grateful for the sunny days, and am ignoring the snowy and rainy ones :-) I am grateful for the wildlife that surrounds our house, although I am hoping that the bear will leave our birdfeeders alone this year. I am grateful to live in a country where we can homeschool without being harrassed, unlike the Netherlands. I am grateful for a sublime homeschool support group, where both my kids and me have found good friends. And I am grateful once again to be pregnant with a keeper!!!

15.5 Weeks pregnant now and still waiting for the first kicks. I had another bad dream, this time involving a stillborn baby. I hope to have only positive dreams from now on!!!

We signed up for a membership at a local health club. Their walk-in rates are ridiculous, but the membership is very reasonable. If I want to go swimming with the kids, I would pay $30 for a day pass. But the family membership (one adult and all the kids) is only $32 per month, and then we can swim as often as we want. So we went swimming there yesterday, in the afternoon. The kids had a lot of fun, but I have learned that I need to send them all to the bathroom first before we go swimming!! It's amazing how often the little ones needed to go, and I had to go with them every time. And I couldn't leave the others in the water without supervision, so they weren't too happy about it :-)

At night, I went back all by myself! I haven't swum in ages (years and years and years), but really want to get back into the habit again. When I just started, I wasn't sure whether I was going to make it. And I did a lot more back crawl than I usually would have done, because it was easier to breathe faster that way :-) I had set myself the goal of swimming at least 20 lengths, and maybe 40 if I was up to it. I swam my 20 and still could go on, so I ended up swimming 40 lengths! A whole kilometer! I am proud of me :-) I was amazed that I still could do it and kind of bounced off the walls from the high it gave me. I am definitely going to do this again!

I made split pea soup in the crockpot today. It was extremely windy and then it started snowing too. You know things are bad outside when the snow goes past the window horizontally! The kids were happy about the snow, I was just visualizing having to shovel our challenging driveway. Luckily it didn't really stay on there, just on the grass, where I could almost ignore it :-)

FOURTEEN Weeks and Worried Yet Again

Yesterday, I was so happy to have made it this far! And then last night, I had this nightmare, where I went to my midwife for my first prenatal, and she could not find the heartbeat. I so remember how it felt, how we got more and more desperate, trying to find it, and not being able to, and her telling me 'It doesn't look good' :-(

I woke up and have been feeling worried again the whole day. I do recognize that most likely I am just working through my fears and this is not what will really happen. I have to admit though, that my mind knows that, but my emotions are not convinced. And of course now I am playing the whole mindgame 'Do I feel less tired? Do I feel less nauseous?' And I do feel less nauseous, but at 14 weeks, that's not really surprising. And the tiredness tends to come and go too, and it definitely still is here, but is it as bad as it was last week?????? My whole confidence in this pregnancy is shaken up yet again, blech!

I think that this happened, because some one on my mailing lists, found out at her 16wo prenatal, that her baby died. No heartbeat anymore. She has been posting about it, and I have been writing to her and supporting her. I think that that is what has been causing this nightmare last night. Also, in another email, totally unrelated, somebody offered a gecko for sale, and during my dream, there was a gecko in the tree outside. Mind you, this is New England, where we don't really have huge geckos sitting in our trees. This makes me hope that I was just dreaming about yesterday's email and it's not any more than that.

On a good note, we got our aquarium filled and bought things like filters etc that we still needed. We also really needed colored gravel, and all kinds of cutesy aquarium accessories, like divers, and many colored pearl shells.... At least, that's what the kids convinced me of :-) By the time we came home, it was dark already. So my kids went out with a flashlight and a net in the pitch dark yard, to find some fish :-) They managed to catch two gold fish, so they are happily swimming around in our aquarium now. I hope we will be able to find more tomorrow, it will be easier when it is light I would think.

And on another good note, the perfect and sunny weather motivated me to actually OPEN the vegetable drawers in the fridge, and dump the contents on the compost pile. Phew!!! I think it had been at least five weeks since the last time I dared to open them.... I am glad I have that behind me! It was something I had felt guilty about, but not guilty enough to actually do something about it! Maybe some day I'll start cooking again too!

So life is going on, and I am still wondering about this pregnancy. I wish this baby would start kicking! That would reassure me, especially after last night!!!!!!!

A Very Special Present

Today, the mailman brought a very special present from a good friend. It was a small package, and Tara was waiting impatiently for me to open it, because she was waiting for a Yu Gi Oh card she had ordered last week. It was wrapped really really well, so it took me a while to open it, and I hadn't really looked at the sender closely, because I was expecting either Tara's card, or some other things I had ordered on line.

Finally, I got it so that I could open it. There was one of those small jewelry boxes inside, and a card. I first read the card, it was a congratulations on reaching my second trimester. How thoughtful! How amazing that she was able to send that card because this pregnancy is working out! I opened the box, and there was a necklace, with a doe and her fawn on it. Wow! How appropriate and how perfect!

I am wearing it now, and every time I look at it, I smile. Both about my pregnancy, and about having such a good friend who has been there through the whole miscarriages mess and now is sharing in my pregnancy joy. And Tara liked the deer so much, that she didn't even mind that her Yu Gi Oh card wasn't in the package, she thought that this necklace was really, really cool.

I think I am starting to feel less nauseous, but definitely not less exhausted. At least I am getting a lot of reading done, which is good, because I am trying to get accredited as a LLL Leader and that involves a lot of reading. Just finished the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and got started on the 'Breastfeeding: Biocultural Perspectives' which I have wanted to read for ages. Very interesting!

Talked With The OB

Today, out of the blue, my ob called me! The one who did the myomectomy. I had written her a letter, telling her about my pregnancy and about my decision not to do any beta levels or early ultrasounds. I hadn't heard from her, but I hadn't really expected anything anyway, I just wanted her to know about my pregnancy without having to refuse any testing on the phone. A letter gave me more opportunity to explain my reasoning to her instead of to a nurse. Then suddenly, today, she called, asking how I was doing. I thought that was really nice of her. I told her I still am pregnant and we agreed that the fibroid most likely had been the reason behind all the miscarriages. She was very happy to hear that this pregnancy seems to be working out.

She asked me whether I had thought more about the whole planned c-section issue, since she had recommended a scheduled c-section for this time around. I told her that yes, I had thought about it and was sure I was going to have a vaginal birth. I did wonder whether I would be able to do that in the birthing center where she practices though, since they are a lot nicer than our big hospital. She said that she would prefer me to go to the big teaching hospital, so it looks like I don't have much of a choice in birthing location. Oh well. At least I asked, and I know now.

I guess next week I'll call my homebirth midwife and start my prenatal care. I didn't want to jinx this pregnancy by doing early prenatals, I really wanted to get through the first trimester without seeing any one medical. I saw my dentist today, that was bad enough! LOL I did have some small cavities, but they all could wait till after delivery in his opinion. I was happy to agree with anything that would delay the drilling :-)

SECOND Trimester!!!!!

I never know for sure when the second trimester officially start, but 13 weeks sounds about right. I am 13w1d now!!!! WOOHOO!!!! That means that I officially have entered the second trimester, which in itself already decreases my miscarriage risk. And I am still feeling totally exhausted, which is a great sign too. I read back in my pg journal with Erik and exhaustion seemed to be the main theme for week 12-17, so I am happy that this pregnancy seems to be repeating that.

Had a fun LLL meeting this morning, a small group, but nice discussions. I made sourdough banana bread so I can stop feeling guilty about Robert, my sourdough starter :-) I had been ignoring him for way too long, because I was too sick and tired to bake sourdough bread. Of course I also baked my 'famous' cinnamon raisin bread, I can't have any kind of meeting here without having to bake that :-)

Then in the afternoon I went to bed with good food and a good book. Needed that after all the cleaning I did to get ready for the meeting :-) I have been spending way too much time in bed, but my body seems to need it. And I will happily rest and rest to have a healthy baby! Not to mention that I get lots of reading done LOL.

But at the same time, I am majorly looking forward to the energy surge that for sure should happen after this! Perfectly timed in the middle of winter too, when there is no gardening to distract me from decluttering my house :-) Speaking about winter, we had snow again, so I got stuck at the bottom of our driveway, my van refused to make it up into all that snow.... So dh got his first hour of shoveling in for this winter! Lucky him!

TWELVE Weeks!!!!

I am totally amazed that I have made it this far, past the 11.5 weeks miscarriage date. It seems unbelievable to me that I am finally past that date, and I am still not sure whether I really am, or maybe I am just imagining things? I seem to be living in a dreamworld now, this is just too good to be reality.

I keep checking for blood, every single time I go to the bathroom. The doubts are still very heavily on me. I am deliriously happy to still be pregnant, but at the same time pretty unbelieving that this is going to last. What a mixture of emotions.

I have to admit that I still feel nauseous and tired though. And I had a pickle craving yesterday, of all the things you can crave! How predictable! It's such a stereotype to crave those, geez! I tried not to give into it, but decided to buy a pot of pickles anyway when grocery shopping, and that was my downfall! LOL I have been craving sour things this pregnancy anyway, adding a lemon to my freshly squeezed orange juice and such.

Yesterday, I got my totally own copy of Writer's Market 2004! That means that I have a wealth of information about where to send queries, lots of markets, editor names, what magazines are looking for and such. I am very excited about seriously working on my writing now, and have been pouring over my Writer's Market. To commemorate my lost baby, I have started an article about 'Pregnancy After Miscarriage' and it's coming along well. This Writer's Market will help me to find a place to get it published.

Still too tired to do much baking, but hoping to make a lemon/sourcream bread today, because it fits so well into my cravings LOL. And yesterday I made my 'famous' cinnamon raisin bread for a homeschool support meeting at our house. It was fun, kids played nicely together, while the adults could sit around, chat, and plan for the next two months.

One more week and I am out of the first trimester!

Halloween!!!

Always a fun holiday for the kids. We spent the day getting ready, finishing costumes in the morning, carving pumpkins in the afternoon. The kids were very excited about it all, and couldn't wait to go trick or treating.

We ate an early supper, with a lot of protein, to try to have some good stuff in them before the candy attack hit :-) Then it was time for Costumes! Cees had decided to go as Link, a Nintendo game character. He made the costume mostly by himself, with a tiny bit of help from me. Tim had a hard time deciding on a costume, and finally just got whatever he could find out of the costume box, ending up as a magical sergeant - knight! It involved a wizard robe, armor and a wig... Tara was a butterfly, something she had decided on weeks ago, so that was easy.Well, apart from when one wing broke two minutes before we had to leave! Duct tape to the rescue!!!!!!!! Jane was a flower, with a costume mostly made by her and Tara. It looked very homemade, but they were extremely proud of their accomplishments :-) Kate was an angel, including a shiny halo. Erik was supposed to be a bunny, then a bat, but at the last moment ended up as a kitty. They all were happy with their costumes and very ready to go.

We made it around one big block and about halfway both Tim and Kate started to fall apart. At the end, Kate was even saying 'I don't want any more candy!!!' but she still went up to the doors to get some LOL Erik insisted on being carried till we were close to a house, and then he would walk the last five yards or so. After collecting his candy, it was back to 'Papa, I need to be carried! I am too cold/tired/freezing' Actually it wasn't cold at all. It was one of the warmest Halloweens in my memory, usually we seem to have snow or freezing rain, brrrrrrrrr!

At home, everybody sat down at the table and ate ate ate from their candy. I let them eat as much as they want, with the idea that this will help to get through the stack a lot faster and in fewer sittings. It seems to work well. All the candy tends to be gone within a few days. And since we usually don't eat much candy, it makes Halloween extra special that they can eat as much as they want.

I am still nauseous, and tired, and not looking forward to tomorrow's milestone of losing one of my babies. It is hard to imagine that I made it this far with one of those doomed pregnancies, and still lost the baby. I want to think of a good way to commemorate my lost baby tomorrow, but I haven't figured out yet how. Somehow I have been dreading that day so much, that I haven't actually thought any practical thoughts yet.

So one more day of waiting, wondering, and worrying. One more day of almost being there, but not totally yet. One more day of feeling in limbo. One more day of hoping that history does not repeat itself. I feel that after tomorrow, a whole new era in my pregnancy will start, an era in which I have never miscarried this far along yet. An era of renewed hope and cautiously thinking that maybe I will end up with a live baby this time!

ELEVEN Weeks!!!

Or actually 11wd2 today! I alternate between feeling optimistic and feeling worried. So close to when I started bleeding last time. I find myself checking way too often whether I am bleeding yet. Every little twinge sends me in an almost panic. Every moment of not feeling nauseous and tired makes me doubt this pregnancy all over again. One moment I am grateful to have made it this far and still be pregnant, the other moment I just fear that this can't last. What a mixture of emotions!

Our weather has been alternating too, Monday was pouring rain, Tuesday was perfect sunshine, yesterday was pouring rain, today sunshine again. Tuesday I spent most of the day in the garden, cleaning up veggie beds, carrying old wood to the woodpile, and just enjoying one of the last warm days of the year. Today I think I'll go out again too, but I wanted to update my blog first while the world warms up :-)

I have been craving freshly squeezed orange juice so badly. I have been making some, adding grapefruits and lemons and every time I drink it, I'm in heaven! The squeezing is a lot of work though, so I looked around in our local supermarket to see whether they had freshly squeezed juice. They didn't! Geez! So early this morning, I drove over to our more health foody supermarket and oh bliss, they did have freshly squeezed juice! Phew! I came home with a quart of freshly squeezed orange juice, a few small bottles of grape fruit juice, super protein something, and a vanilla almond shake. Let's see whether this will get me past this craving.

They had a lot of cereal on sale, the ones that my kids will eat, so I went out for orange juice, and came back with a whole cart full of stuff. Doesn't it always work that way? LOL

The writing is going well, although today is more an outside day than a writing day. But I feel that I am making a lot of progress in getting things organized and getting articles sent out. Very happy about finally having made that step!

Still feeling nauseous, and tired, so that's a good sign. So I am just going to try to relax and get past the next few days. And if that doesn't work, I'll write or garden till it does!

Getting Closer...

I am almost 11 weeks now and the 11.5wo miscarriage D-Day is getting closer. I find myself more irritated and more worried again. Will I make it? Every time I go to the bath room I hold my breath. Will there be blood this time? Am I feeling less nauseous? Am I having too much energy? Is the universe conspiring against me? If I was a nail biter, I wouldn't have any nails left right now.

Of course, I still am nauseous, and tired, and not eating much, but at the same time, I am thinking that maybe I am just still imagining it. It's amazing what a mindgames I can play with myself. And I think the only way I can get past them right now, is by getting past the 11.5 weeks mark. Some things only get solved by time, maybe I should just accept that I am worried right now and move on with my life.

I have been working on my writing to try to keep my mind occupied with other things. Not always working, but at least it does keep me busy, and gives me something else to obsess about. I even ordered a Writer's Market book at amazon yesterday, so I have some more ideas of where to send queries and articles. I feel good about doing this, even if I am not going to have anything published, at least I know that I tried!

Made blueberry muffins with the kids today, Jane really really wanted to make them. They turned out well, almost all of them are gone already. And yesterday I actually cooked again for the first time in ages. Just a simple veggie soup, and dh did all the cutting, but still! Of course, that was another reason for me to worry. Is it a bad sign if I cook a meal? LOL Tonight we are going to eat leftovers from our chinese takeout and I'll have dh reheat them. Much less to worry about that way :-)

Kate's new dresser has been installed, she is happy about it now. It gave me an opportunity to go through all her clothes and move on the ones that were too small. Although Tara ended up doing most of that, she was a lot of help. The neutral things went to Erik, the girlish things went on a stack for the new baby. And now Kate can change her clothes without her dresser drawers collapsing! Wow!

The Last Farmer's Market

A bit sad, it will be May next year before they start up again. I was determined to make it today, and just hoped it wouldn't be snowing like it was last year. Well, it wasn't snowing, but it was COLD! But we just could not miss the last market. I didn't really need any more vegetables, actually I have mostly been ignoring everything like that for the last few weeks. I don't even know whether I still want to open my veggie drawer LOL I just have been way too exhausted and sick to cook anything good.

The kids usually eat croissants at the bakery there, but this time I told the kids that they could have whatever they wanted. So they ate chocolate croissants, cookies, and sticky buns, made them very happy :-) Afterwards we got hot chocolate, I myself went for the hot cider. Helped with getting a bit warmer, but I never really got back to normal temp till I was in the car again and could put the heat on HIGH lol

I also got some goat cheese, and organic cheese. And a pumpkin pie, which I will freeze till Thanksgiving, one less thing to bake, which is good right now LOL.And sticky buns with nuts, so I could make grilled stickies tonight, some one had pasted a link to those a few days ago, and of course I had been craving them ever since. I have to admit that they are GOOD!

Time to go home, drop off the kids, and get some stuff done on my own. I bought a new dresser for Kate, since the old one was really falling apart. As in drawers collapsing EVERY time you opened them. As opposed to them only collapsing once a month or so in the beginning, and then once a week a year later LOL. When I told her that I was going to get a new dresser to replace the old one, she burst into tears. Which puzzled me till I figured out why she was crying... She was convinced that we were going to get rid of the old dresser WITH all her clothes! So she wouldn't have anything to wear anymore LOL.

Found a nice, sturdy one which was a lot cheaper than most of them, and brought it home. Now I just need to clean out the old one, and get rid of all the stuff that's too small for her, and then we can fill the new one. so she will be able to get out her stuff without everything collapsing! Such an improvement on our quality of life!

I got some good looking trail mix at the supermarket, thinking that that might help with my nausea. I took it with me on my shopping trip. Turned out that it mostly made me more nauseous and very thirsty on top of that. So much for that theory! Gave the rest of the trail mix to Sander, lucky him LOL. It was too spicy and nutty for the kids, otherwise they would have gotten stuck with it :-)

And I am still soooooooo tired, which makes me happy. I might actually go to bed early tonight, which should get me a lot of sleep in combination with the time change!