Friday, November 21, 2003

FOURTEEN Weeks and Worried Yet Again

Yesterday, I was so happy to have made it this far! And then last night, I had this nightmare, where I went to my midwife for my first prenatal, and she could not find the heartbeat. I so remember how it felt, how we got more and more desperate, trying to find it, and not being able to, and her telling me 'It doesn't look good' :-(

I woke up and have been feeling worried again the whole day. I do recognize that most likely I am just working through my fears and this is not what will really happen. I have to admit though, that my mind knows that, but my emotions are not convinced. And of course now I am playing the whole mindgame 'Do I feel less tired? Do I feel less nauseous?' And I do feel less nauseous, but at 14 weeks, that's not really surprising. And the tiredness tends to come and go too, and it definitely still is here, but is it as bad as it was last week?????? My whole confidence in this pregnancy is shaken up yet again, blech!

I think that this happened, because some one on my mailing lists, found out at her 16wo prenatal, that her baby died. No heartbeat anymore. She has been posting about it, and I have been writing to her and supporting her. I think that that is what has been causing this nightmare last night. Also, in another email, totally unrelated, somebody offered a gecko for sale, and during my dream, there was a gecko in the tree outside. Mind you, this is New England, where we don't really have huge geckos sitting in our trees. This makes me hope that I was just dreaming about yesterday's email and it's not any more than that.

On a good note, we got our aquarium filled and bought things like filters etc that we still needed. We also really needed colored gravel, and all kinds of cutesy aquarium accessories, like divers, and many colored pearl shells.... At least, that's what the kids convinced me of :-) By the time we came home, it was dark already. So my kids went out with a flashlight and a net in the pitch dark yard, to find some fish :-) They managed to catch two gold fish, so they are happily swimming around in our aquarium now. I hope we will be able to find more tomorrow, it will be easier when it is light I would think.

And on another good note, the perfect and sunny weather motivated me to actually OPEN the vegetable drawers in the fridge, and dump the contents on the compost pile. Phew!!! I think it had been at least five weeks since the last time I dared to open them.... I am glad I have that behind me! It was something I had felt guilty about, but not guilty enough to actually do something about it! Maybe some day I'll start cooking again too!

So life is going on, and I am still wondering about this pregnancy. I wish this baby would start kicking! That would reassure me, especially after last night!!!!!!!

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