Tuesday, January 20, 2004

One Year Ago...

One year ago, I was 11.5 weeks pregnant and finally started bleeding. After three long weeks of waiting after founding out that our baby had passed away. Three weeks of sadness, but also of feeling blessed that I was going to get a little bit more time with this precious baby. I didn't want to lose her, and relished the extra time I got with her. On the other hand, it came as a relief when the bleeding finally started and I could start the physical miscarriage process. But over all, there was a profound feeling of deep sadness, of loss, of despair. Of 'Why does this happen over and over again?' 'Why can't I just carry a baby to term like I used to be able to?' A feeling of unfairness, of loneliness. It felt like 'every one else' was getting pregnant, having babies, but me. I knew that that wasn't true, but it still was how it felt to me at that time.

Even although I am pregnant again, I still miss this baby. I had wanted to see her first smile. To watch her first wobbly steps. To hear her first words. To read her first stories. To see her grow into a toddler, kid, teenager, and eventually an adult. All that was ripped from me in yet another miscarriage. All those dreams, those hopes, those visions, they are all gone now. The only things I have to remember her by, are my writings and my belly pics. I still can't look at them.

I bled for four long weeks. Not all the time, but either bleeding or spotting. I thought it would never end. It took ages for my serum hcg level to go back to zero. I think I really did not want to let this baby go. I kept thinking that this must be a bad dream, that I surely should wake up soon. But it wasn't, it was reality :-(

I still remember being thrilled that I made it past all my miscarriage dates. Elated when the beta levels were excellent, even at the high end of normal. Overjoyed when I had a good looking first ultrasound, including a little blip where the heart of my baby was starting to grow. It stopped beating soon after... I sank into the deepest depths of despair, when the next ultrasound showed that my baby wasn't here anymore. Just her physical remains, but her spirit was gone.

I decided to plant some bulbs today, to commemorate my angel baby, both her and the others that I lost. I planted an amaryllis and five paperwhite narcissus. Their lifetime will be short, but beautiful, which is the nature of bulbs. Which was the nature of my angel babies. They only could be with me for a short time. I will enjoy watching those bulbs grow, and bloom, and think about my angel babies. I also planted some clover and grass for the bunnies, which doesn't have anything to do with my miscarriages, but it still felt good. Growing things instead of having miscarriages. I remember that gardening last year was very healing for me, I think I am trying to bring some of that gardening energy inside the house, in the middle of winter.

I am very happy to be pregnant again. But also very sad that I had to lose those other babies, before being able to welcome this baby into our family. It does show me even more what a miracle every baby is It's amazing that this process ever can go right. I look at newborn babies and marvel at the miracle of life. I feel my new little one kick, and feel extremely blessed that I am pregnant again, and that this is a keeper baby. I am looking forward to seeing him grow and develop, and watching him take his place in our family. I look at my deer necklace and remember all that I went through to have him, and am grateful that I am carrying this miracle baby.

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