FIVE weeks!!!!

Five weeks today!!!!!!!!!!!! When I make it till midnight tonight, I will be past 88 % of my miscarriage dates, whew! The later miscarriage was at 11.5 weeks, so it will be a while before I past that date. But that's ok, because I am nog going to miscarry this pregnancy anyway. This is my keeper baby!

I had two friends over today, always fun. The kids played together, we chatted together, and we admired the pond. The pond that came into being when digging yet another vegetable bed in June, and finding this huge rock. I finally got it out (OK, maybe dh did do the actually getting out :-) When the rock came out, I was left with this huge hole in my yard. I looked at it and thought that I could either fill it in again, or... I could make it into a pond!!!! The pond idea won :-)

We also decided to harvest one of the volunteer watermelons (sprouted from the compost pile). I was not totally sure whether they would be ready, they were still light colored. But they had been like that for a while, they sounded hollow, and they were yellow on the bottom. All signs that they could be ripe. So we harvested, took it into the kitchen, watched it, and got ready to do the first, ritual cut. Uggggg, it was HARD!!! Like cutting a rock!!! I started to doubt that it really could be ripe. I had my friend try, and she had a hard time too, but finally did get it cut.

Hmmmmmm, this does not look very watermelon-y..... Actually, it looks way more like some kind of squash! But hey, I was so sure that this was a watermelon? How could it have turned into a squash??? LOLOL. But that's ok. I still have another one outside, from a different plant, that's small, but dark green, and I am totally convinced that that one is a real water melon! Guess what happened? Yep, another squash LOL. Oh well, I scooped out the seeds, and roasted it in the oven, so I can make some Moroccan stew tomorrow.

Later today, we went to the pet store to get some new goldfish for the pond. A few weeks ago, we got six of them, but four of them died within the first few days :-( The other two have been doing great though, so I thought it was time to get new fish. We got eight of them today (luckily they are cheap :-) and released them in our pond. It was amazing how much our 'old' goldfish had grown already, they are a lot bigger than the new ones. It's fun to see all the pond life swimming around now. We have at least four frogs too, but they volunteered, didn't need a pet store to provide those :-)

Digging Potatoes

Today I spent a lot of time digging potatoes. This is the first year I am growing them, and I have been really enjoying it. It's kind of nice to see them sprout in the soil, instead of in my basement :-) Of course, I had totally overestimated how many potatoes I could grow in the space I had set aside for them. So I ended up digging two more potato beds in the spring, and then giving away the rest of the potatoes, because I was just so tired of planting them LOL .

I got a nice variety of potatoes, all kinds of colors. Blue, white, red. Some of them red inside too, others just red on the outside. This means that it is always a surprise which color potato I will dig up now. I have heard it compared to digging for gold, and that's how it feels. The excitement of finding yet another potato! Or yet another rock, which happens a lot too :-)

My oldest decided he wanted to eat french fries with all those cool potatoes. I told him to go for it, showed him how to wash and cut them (we have a french fries cutter) and he spent a few hours getting it all done. All the kids joined in with the cutting, it is fun to see the metamorphose of a potato to french fries.

Now it was my turn. I spent way more time than I really wanted frying them. That wouldn't have been too bad, if the kids hadn't come into the kitchen every 3 milliseconds to ask whether the potatoes were ready yet. But we did end up with a lot of delicious french fries, and even had enough to freeze for two other meals.

I can feel that my energy level is getting lower though, I was actually tired after digging, which I usually am not. I have to admit that I am really happy to feel that happening, all the miscarriages have really shaken my trust in my body, and feeling pregnancy symptoms develop do help me building it back up. The day after tomorrow, I will be past 88 % of my miscarriage dates! I can't wait!

Last year, I spent time digging out bushes to make room for blueberry plants. When I ended up having a miscarriage, one of my friends was saying to me 'You shouldn't have dug up those bushes, no wonder you had a miscarriage!' And here I am again, digging up potatoes, instead of laying around and resting. That's because I fully believe that miscarriages are not being caused by digging, or anything like that. If that was true, we wouldn't need abortion clinics, people could just go dig a hole! I think that a pregnancy either is all right, or it is not, and normal day to day living, including hard physical labor, is not going to change that. Actually, the digging is really good exercise for me, which has to be good for the baby too!

Pumpkins, Pumpkins Everywhere!

Pregnancy and cravings go together. But this is the first pregnancy that I have had a craving for pumpkin soup, of all things! Must be all those volunteer pumpkins growing in our lilac tree (don't ask :-)

Last Saturday, at the farmer's market, I got a good looking, organic pumpkin. It still took me till Wednesday to get around to making the soup though. It turned out really well, was very tasty, and satisfied my craving. So I froze three 2-person portions to eat some other day.

Of course, on Thursday, I figured out that the craving was not gone at all yet! I contemplated defrosting some soup, but figured that a 2-person portion might be too big for me. So I decided instead to buy another pumpkin at next Saturday's farmer's market.

On Saturday, I was desperate enough to buy TWO of them! And a baby one... Because Erik (2yo) was holding it and saying 'We have never had a baby pumpkin before!' I couldn't resist him :-)

Today, I got the soup made. Finally!!!!!!!!! Ended up with about two gallons of pumpkin soup. While I was cooking it, I felt the craving go away LOL. It still tasted good though, and this time I was smart enough to freeze a lot of 1-person portions too!

I also have had pumpkin dreams this week, although I have to admit that I have no idea at all what those pumpkins were doing in my dreams, but maybe they were the ones that caused my craving???

More Beaver Pond Musings

After my deer experience last week, I went back to the beaver pond a few days ago. This time I was there in the morning, and the sun was out, shining on rocks in and around the pond. Suddenly, I saw a small painted turtle on a rock close by. It was stretching its neck and enjoying the sun. After a few minutes, more and more turtles showed up, it was almost magical. No sounds of them, they would just crawl out and sunbathe.

I thought how those turtles symbolized the nice, strong eggs I am ovulating. Not only that, but there were lots of dragonflies dancing around, frolicking here and there, and landing to sunbathe. The really cool looking ones, black and white, they are called common whitetails. I thought that those dragonflies could symbolize the spirits from the babies I lost, playing around the beaver pond. I loved watching them and thinking about my lost little ones.

The beaver pond really helps me to stay grounded, and to calm down all my fears and worries. After I have visited it, I always feel stronger, and calmer. I just love being out in nature!

Spiritual Experience

I had a very negative day yesterday, did a cheap internet hpt in the morning and got a BFN. This got me all depressed, since I hoped they would be pos by now. I was totally sure it would never happen, was feeling very very hopeless, and on top was feeling extremely PMSy, which didn't help either.

I went to a party when there were lots of babies, some of them the age mine would have been if I hadn't had all the losses. Made me even more sad.

When dh came home at night, I told him I needed some time for myself and I hiked to a beaver pond, about 20 minutes from our home. Nobody is ever there, and the nature is breathtaking, so it's a good place to just sit and think.

I watched 2 musk rats, who were moving around in/next to the water. I hoped to see a turtle, like yesterday, but didn't. I also hoped I would see a deer, which I have only seen once there. Enjoyed all the bird songs around me, and at some point I heard an owl too.

I just sat and sat and sat, and soaked up nature. Then it started to rain. It hasn't rained much here lately. It wasn't a lot of rain, but enough to make neat patterns on the water and to hear and feel it all around me.

I started thinking about how the rain promises new growth after a period of drought. And how this rain would clean me from my period of miscarriages and now start a period of new fertility for me. I felt all the negative feelings being flushed away and be replaced by feelings of hope and rightness. I was thinking that if I now would see a deer in addition to this, I would be totally positive that I would get pregnant next month, if I am not already.

So I sat and sat and sat and felt much better. Suddenly, a deer shows up at the other side of the pond!!! Very big ears, and she was feeling that something was different, her tail went up/down/up/down/up/down and she was hesitant and careful. Her tail was soooo pretty, almost like a feather, very fluffy!!! I think she stayed for maybe 5 minutes and then walked away, not ran, but walked. I loved seeing her!!!!!

I sat for a while more and watched the bats come out, and heard the frogs start their chorus. I felt so much more grounded now. I had to go home, because it was getting dark.

This was a real spiritual experience for me. I am glad I decided to take some time to sit there, instead of do the mindless websurfing that I used to do when not feeling well.

13dpo now, and temp is still up. I didnt' want to test today, want to dream a bit more. Another BFN would have destroyed that dream.

Evening Primrose

 

After I had Dawn, I hoped for another baby soon and had read that evening primrose oil could possibly help with returning fertility after child birth. It seemed harmless enough and worth a try. I was thrilled when Jane was born 13 months after Tara. Usually I wouldn't even get my period till at least 8 months after giving birth.

 

A few years later I found evening primrose and loved planting it in my garden, reminding me each year how lucky I was to have two beautiful girls so close together in age, thanks to some herbal help.

Tara Turns Seven

 

 

 

 

Girl in Green

 

Jane helping with yardwork. Mostly by sitting in the wagon while I do the real work.

Kate and Her Dad

Back from The Netherlands

I went to visit my family in the Netherlands for a few days. It was a very fast visit. I left Tuesday, arrived in the Netherlands on Wednesday. Spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday there, and flew back on Sunday. So two days of traveling for a four days stay. Wow! It was so short because my MIL came over to take care of my oldest five and she could only stay for a week.



My father is not doing well, he has Parkinsons and prostrate cancer which has spread to his hips and his mind is more and more wandering. He has been in a nursing home for about 6 months now. I think this is the last time I have seen him in this life :-( I was OK with that when I was there, but now I am home, I am depressed about it all. Have been really sad today, maybe after the high of the trip, it is hard to get back to 'normal'. I visited him on four days, the only time I was sure that he knew who I was, was on the fourth day. The other days he was so out of it that I didn't think he recognized me.



I had Erik with me on the trip. He did well, apart from protesting a lot when I put him in his car seat in the plane. It was a looooong plane trip with a fussy, tired baby, but we did it. Flying was interesting. I had been a bit worried about it, after 9/11, but wasn't really worried while flying. I think I used up all my worrying when trying to make the decision to go or not. And having to try to keep Erik happy (or at least not too unhappy) took all my energy, no energy left to worry :-)



There was some increased security, but not as much as I had expected. I had selected a non American carrier, to minimize my risks. So I ended up with a lay over at Iceland, which I thought was worth it as opposed to a direct flight with an American carrier. Flying out of Boston had me show my passport more than usual, and an extra check on combination boarding pass / passport before entering the plane, but that was about it. Flying back from Amsterdam I had to be security cleared and somebody opened my suitcase and asked me some questions, but not that many either. The most security was when I flew back from Iceland to Boston. They boarded the plane really late and they searched all the carry-on luggage and did an extra weapon check just before we could board. It made the plane late and I arrived home midnight last night instead of 10pm I had hoped for. Oh well.



It was nice to show off Erik to family and friends and to meet some of them again. The weather was gorgeous, unusual for the Netherlands in this time of year. It was also nice to pick up lots of Dutch goodies, my suit case on the way back was packed with them.



Cees knew his grandfather is not doing well and when I phoned home he asked me 'Was grandpa still alive when you saw him? And when you left him, did you look really carefully to make sure he was still alive?' :-(



It was a short trip, but I am glad I went anyway. Erik is happy to be home again, I think he missed his siblings. He has been smiling at them and playing with them the whole day today. The kids were happy to have me home again, and were even more happy about the Dutch stuff I got them :-) Erik and I both are jet lagged, which is to be expected. As I said, I am depressed today, which I had not expected.
Still I think it was good that I went and saw my dad a final time. I am glad I had the opportunity.