Monday, July 14, 2003

The beaver pond

Spiritual Experience

I had a very negative day yesterday, did a cheap internet hpt in the morning and got a BFN. This got me all depressed, since I hoped they would be pos by now. I was totally sure it would never happen, was feeling very very hopeless, and on top was feeling extremely PMSy, which didn't help either.

I went to a party when there were lots of babies, some of them the age mine would have been if I hadn't had all the losses. Made me even more sad.

When dh came home at night, I told him I needed some time for myself and I hiked to a beaver pond, about 20 minutes from our home. Nobody is ever there, and the nature is breathtaking, so it's a good place to just sit and think.

I watched 2 musk rats, who were moving around in/next to the water. I hoped to see a turtle, like yesterday, but didn't. I also hoped I would see a deer, which I have only seen once there. Enjoyed all the bird songs around me, and at some point I heard an owl too.

I just sat and sat and sat, and soaked up nature. Then it started to rain. It hasn't rained much here lately. It wasn't a lot of rain, but enough to make neat patterns on the water and to hear and feel it all around me.

I started thinking about how the rain promises new growth after a period of drought. And how this rain would clean me from my period of miscarriages and now start a period of new fertility for me. I felt all the negative feelings being flushed away and be replaced by feelings of hope and rightness. I was thinking that if I now would see a deer in addition to this, I would be totally positive that I would get pregnant next month, if I am not already.

So I sat and sat and sat and felt much better. Suddenly, a deer shows up at the other side of the pond!!! Very big ears, and she was feeling that something was different, her tail went up/down/up/down/up/down and she was hesitant and careful. Her tail was soooo pretty, almost like a feather, very fluffy!!! I think she stayed for maybe 5 minutes and then walked away, not ran, but walked. I loved seeing her!!!!!

I sat for a while more and watched the bats come out, and heard the frogs start their chorus. I felt so much more grounded now. I had to go home, because it was getting dark.

This was a real spiritual experience for me. I am glad I decided to take some time to sit there, instead of do the mindless websurfing that I used to do when not feeling well.

13dpo now, and temp is still up. I didnt' want to test today, want to dream a bit more. Another BFN would have destroyed that dream.

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