More Beaver Pond Musings

After my deer experience last week, I went back to the beaver pond a few days ago. This time I was there in the morning, and the sun was out, shining on rocks in and around the pond. Suddenly, I saw a small painted turtle on a rock close by. It was stretching its neck and enjoying the sun. After a few minutes, more and more turtles showed up, it was almost magical. No sounds of them, they would just crawl out and sunbathe.

I thought how those turtles symbolized the nice, strong eggs I am ovulating. Not only that, but there were lots of dragonflies dancing around, frolicking here and there, and landing to sunbathe. The really cool looking ones, black and white, they are called common whitetails. I thought that those dragonflies could symbolize the spirits from the babies I lost, playing around the beaver pond. I loved watching them and thinking about my lost little ones.

The beaver pond really helps me to stay grounded, and to calm down all my fears and worries. After I have visited it, I always feel stronger, and calmer. I just love being out in nature!

Spiritual Experience

I had a very negative day yesterday, did a cheap internet hpt in the morning and got a BFN. This got me all depressed, since I hoped they would be pos by now. I was totally sure it would never happen, was feeling very very hopeless, and on top was feeling extremely PMSy, which didn't help either.

I went to a party when there were lots of babies, some of them the age mine would have been if I hadn't had all the losses. Made me even more sad.

When dh came home at night, I told him I needed some time for myself and I hiked to a beaver pond, about 20 minutes from our home. Nobody is ever there, and the nature is breathtaking, so it's a good place to just sit and think.

I watched 2 musk rats, who were moving around in/next to the water. I hoped to see a turtle, like yesterday, but didn't. I also hoped I would see a deer, which I have only seen once there. Enjoyed all the bird songs around me, and at some point I heard an owl too.

I just sat and sat and sat, and soaked up nature. Then it started to rain. It hasn't rained much here lately. It wasn't a lot of rain, but enough to make neat patterns on the water and to hear and feel it all around me.

I started thinking about how the rain promises new growth after a period of drought. And how this rain would clean me from my period of miscarriages and now start a period of new fertility for me. I felt all the negative feelings being flushed away and be replaced by feelings of hope and rightness. I was thinking that if I now would see a deer in addition to this, I would be totally positive that I would get pregnant next month, if I am not already.

So I sat and sat and sat and felt much better. Suddenly, a deer shows up at the other side of the pond!!! Very big ears, and she was feeling that something was different, her tail went up/down/up/down/up/down and she was hesitant and careful. Her tail was soooo pretty, almost like a feather, very fluffy!!! I think she stayed for maybe 5 minutes and then walked away, not ran, but walked. I loved seeing her!!!!!

I sat for a while more and watched the bats come out, and heard the frogs start their chorus. I felt so much more grounded now. I had to go home, because it was getting dark.

This was a real spiritual experience for me. I am glad I decided to take some time to sit there, instead of do the mindless websurfing that I used to do when not feeling well.

13dpo now, and temp is still up. I didnt' want to test today, want to dream a bit more. Another BFN would have destroyed that dream.