Eight Weeks and NAUSEOUS!!!!

Phew!!!!!!! I am so much happier today, because the nausea is back in full force! What a relief!!!! And very tired too, I really don't think I can be making this up. Still a bit stressed about the close proximity to the date I found out about the impending miscarriage, but less now that I am nauseous again.

We went apple picking with a friend today, lots of fun. And now I have even more apples with which I will have to make something. Which wouldn't be an issue if I had some kind of energy. I think I'll bake an apple bread tomorrow morning for the LLL meeting. I have a cinnamon raisin bread started already, so if I don't get to the apple bread, there still will be something to eat :-)

There also was a corn maze, not extremely big, but big enough to keep us occupied and lost for a while. And they still had raspberry picking going on! Yummy!!!! We had a great time, and it was wonderful to spend so many hours outside together, since the weather is detoriating rapidly and winter will be on us soon.

Tonight, Cees had a court of honor and advanced to 2nd class scout. He was very happy about it :-) Dh came home early, so I could go to the court, just with Cees. Last time I took the little ones, and let's just say that they were way too bouncy for the whole ceremony. I can't really blame them, it was a long sit, even for me :-)

Tomorrow, there will be a LLL meeting, so I need to get the house in somewhat decent shape. It's amazing how fast my kids have messed up the rooms that my MIL cleaned. At least the LLL people don't really care what the house looks like, as long as there is freshly baked cinnmon raisin bread :-) I also will have a good friend coming to visit me in the afternoon, so it will be a fun day.

And I hope I will be nice and nauseous again tomorrow, it's a much better feeling than when I wasn't!

Worried....

Today I am feeling less nauseous than I have been, which immediately sends me into extreme worrying mode. I am close to the time that I found out that my other baby had died, and in hindsight, I had been losing symptoms before that awful ultrasound happened. So I think I am re-living that now, sending me into a state of worrying and wondering. What if the unthinkable is happening again?

I really feel like I have lost my innocence, my trust that being pregnant means having a live baby nine months later. That being pregnant means I get to experience those first tentative kicks, that being pregnant means that I get to shop for baby clothes and slings again. My last pregnancies have been frought with worry, and eventually with yet another loss, it is hard to move beyond that. Most days I am trying to do just that, but today, somehow it's not working :-(

And yes, I do know that it is normal that symptoms wax and wane, and yes, I do know most likely the nausea will be back with a vengeance. But today I am just plain and frankly worried about it all. I have been eating everything in sight today, which maybe why I am not feeling so nauseous. But I just keep thinking that my body might be recovering from a nauseous pregnancy by starting to eat again.

On the good side, I have a killer yeast infection, which is an excellent sign. And I still am really really tired, although I am wondering how much that is caused by having visitors and having a homeschool meeting here today, as opposed to by the pregnancy. Maybe my mind is just playing games on me, tricking me into feeling exhausted?


Talking about inlaws, they arrived safely and have been staying at our house from Thursday till this morning. They are really nice, but she is such a neat freak, the almost constant vacuuming and cleaning is starting to drive me crazy! I have had instances of pouring tea for myself, walking away for a few minutes, and coming back to an empty, and washed and dried tea cup.... And the teapot had been emptied and cleaned already too, so I couldn't even get a new cup of tea...

I took them to the farmer's market on Saturday, which would have been fun if it hadn't been raining all the time. And we planted hundreds of bulbs together, which was fun, and will have me look back fondly on that part of their visit once spring is here. And I have to admit that it is nice in a way to have somebody around who does the dishes the moment they happen, as opposed to ignoring them all day like I tend to do :-)

They left today for a trip to the White Mountains, to see the fall foliage. I think it must be really nice up there right now. They will be gone till Thursday, it is nice to have the house back to myself for a while. I felt free to go to bed for a few hours this afternoon, mainly wallowing in self pity about the lack of symptoms and hoping that I was really feeling tired, and not just stressed or depressed.

Stress!!!!

My inlaws will arrive a few hours from now!!! WAAAAAAAAH!!! I do like them, but I am totally stressed about getting the house ready. To the point of fighting with Sander about a stupid nothing, and bursting into tears to top that. How's that for hormonal? LOL

The house looks totally fine in my opinion, but I just know that my MIL will still find fault with it. Why do I even let it bother me? I know I shouldn't, and still I do. I guess there's some room for self improvement here LOL.

Jane is over her sickness, but now Tara got it. She complained that her head was feeling like she was getting a fever. She didn't have one yet, but about half an hour later, it was there. I told her it was good that she could figure out in advance that she was getting sick. Oh well, at least this illness usually lasts about a day, so not too bad.

The good thing about stressing over inlaws, is that I don't have as much time to stress about my pregnancy :-) But I have to admit that every time I feel a bit better, I immediately start wondering and worrying. Luckily I feel sick and tired most of the time, so that's good :-) Today I even spent some time in bed, which is very unusual for me to say the least.

I didn't feel like cooking, but I did need to get rid of some tomatoes which were attracting fruit flies, so I ended up making a simple tomato soup. I think I could have done with one hot pepper instead of two though, dh complained that it was too hot. I thought it was just fine, just a nice, strong, spicy overtone :-)

I drooled over my bulbs, but didn't actually plant any yet. Most of them are outdoor ones, but I also got some indoor ones, paper white narcissus and amaryllis, to perk up the house this winter. And there is garlic and some shallots, which will be fun to harvest next year. I got a bed prepared for the garlic already, still have to decide where to put the shallots.

It is getting colder. You definitely can feel that winter is getting nearer. I was hoping to dry some more herbs and mint and such before the first frost, but I might be too late already. If I am not, I guess I better get busy tomorrow, because there can't be much time left before it hits!

OK, off to pick up the inlaws, it's almost midnight, which will feel like 6am local time to them, so they must be exhausted! I don't think they will do much talking (or complaining :-) tonight.

SEVEN Weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! That is over halfway the first trimester! I still feel very, very, very tired, and pretty nauseous. We decided to eat the pineapple for lunch today, most of the kids liked it. We do not eat fresh ones very often, so this was a treat. I got some of it, but most of it disappeared pretty fast. That was ok, my craving for it was gone anyway :-)

I had lots of visitors today, always fun. Of course, that meant that I didn't get to work on getting the house ready for my inlaws. Not that I would have worked on it otherwise, but hey, this is as good an excuse as any, right? LOL The thing is that they don't know yet that I am pregnant, so can't use that as an excuse for them. We want to tell them in person, but they first will see the sorry state the house is in before we will tell them. Oh well.... It's not good to stress out about this, right, better for the baby to just relax and ignore the housework :-)


Tonight, I got 3003 bulbs delivered to my house! Those are the bulbs you plant now, for beautiful flowers in the spring, tulips, daffodills, crocuses, and lots of others. We did a bulb coop with a bunch of friends, and I was the lucky coordinator who got them all delivered to my house :-) So only 755 of the bulbs are mine, the rest are for others. I will spend a lot of time digging holes over the next few weeks. Tomorrow I will start distributing the bulbs, I have a friend come over early to help me sort them all out. I love bulbs, the snow will cover them all, and they will be invisible, but I know they will send out their flowers after the snow melts. It feels like a kind of victory over winter!

Today Jane got Erik's illness I think. She had a very restless night, waking up every hour or so, complaining that her eyes hurt. She got up at 6:15am or so, had some breakfast and then fell right back asleep on the couch. She had a fever, but she did feel better at night when we made pizza (yes, with help of all the litttle ones again.. :-) I hope she will be over it tomorrow, Wednesdays are our busy days. Homeschool hike and gymnastics in the morning, karate in the afternoon. And I guess I should do some more cleaning too.

Today a good friend wrote to me 'Place your finger on the side of your neck and find your pulse. Every time you feel it throb, nutrients are being whooshed through the uterus to nourish your baby.' I love that image, and I have been doing it a lot since reading it. Very positive and powerful imaginery!

Sadness

I will be seven weeks pregnant tomorrow, which is right when my other baby died. I have been thinking a lot about her the last few days, and have been sad all over again. I also worry about the current baby. The timing really makes me think 'what if' thoughts, even although I know I shouldn't.

Today, I was laying in bed and was thinking 'I wish there was a way to take a look and see whether the baby is ok' I know that there is ultrasound, but that's just something I do not want to use this time around, too stressful for me, and I just don't feel good about subjecting the baby to it. Suddenly I realized that there is a way to look inside and reassure myself. So I calmed myself down, put my hands on my tummy and reached inside myself. And realized that I fully believe that this baby is totally ok. There just is no way I could not believe that, and I do need no stupid ultrasound to confirm what I know already! :-)

So even although I am sad about my lost babies, at the same time I am thrilled about being pregnant again, and experiencing all the fun pregnancy symptoms like nausea, exhaustion, and cravings. Today I craved pineapple so badly, but not the canned stuff, real ones. I ended up eating some frozen, but we ran out too fast :-) I did grocery shopping this afternoon though, and got a real pineapple! Only to discover that my pineapple craving was totally gone by the time we came home LOL.

I dug out most of my tomato plants, since they were almost dead anyway. Harvested some red, and a bunch of green tomatoes. Found some more onions, garlic, and even a few potatoes too! And my other bed had quite some summer squash, so I ended up with quite a nice harvest. And a bout of exhaustion, so actually spent time in bed after that! I had to drag myself out to get the kids to karate and do the grocery shopping.

Dh did the cooking tonight, because I sure was not going to do it! And he is addicted enough to good food, that he was not letting a little thing like a tired wife stand in his way :-)

Oh, and Erik was totally fine again yesterday, it's amazing how fast kids recover. I am just hoping that the rest of the kids won't get the same thing.

Beautiful Butterflies

Yesterday I was just too tired to write, but today I managed to write an update again. It was farmer's market day, but I didn't even feel like buying many veggies. So I decided to buy stuff that would keep, like sweet potatoes and onions. And I got some peppers to freeze, now I just need to find the energy to actually freeze them.

This afternoon I was sitting in my front yard, just relaxing, and there were two beautiful butterflied who kept landing on some flowers. I finally couldn't stand it any more, and had to grab my camera. So I dragged my tired body inside, and found the camera. I got two pictures in or so, and then the butterflies just disappeared!!!! Geez! I was sitting there, with my camera, waiting, waiting, and they totally refused to come back. Oh well :-)

Erik is sick with a high fever. It was 104 earlier today, now it's only 103. And here I was wondering why he was falling asleep in the middle of the day. I knew when he woke up, burning hot. I hope it's just a one day thing. He doesn't have any other symptoms, just the high fever.

Yesterday, dh had his very first flying lesson. I gave him one for his birthday. He was a bit nervous, those are really small planes. But he did get to fly it, and did get to land it. Or at least, the instructor managed to give him the impression that he was landing it :-) I brought a picnic lunch and the kids and I watched his lesson and cheered him on. When he came out, I asked him how it was, and his first reply was 'Scary!!!' LOL

I have been craving a vegan variant of scalloped potatoes for days now. Today, I finally found enough energy to eat it. I enjoyed it, till suddenly the broccoli in it started tasting really bad to me, so the rest of the meal I spent trying to fish out the broccoli from my portion, like a picky kid LOLOL.

I am still pretty nauseous and very, very tired. I keep hoping that these are signs of a keeper pregnancy! The tiredness sure feels like a good sign!

I Hope You Throw Up Tomorrow!

This is a well-meant wish I got from an acquaintance today :-) After I told her about all the miscarriages and how I am pregnant again, and how I really enjoy being sick, because it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy. It sounds weird, but I was very happy with it :-)

Today was homeschooler's day in our local science museum (The Montshire Museum) It was tons of fun, and I met tons of people that I know. The kids had a blast, and Tara got photographed by a reporter of a local newspaper, so maybe she'll end up in it. We'll see I guess :-)

I woke up this morning and felt totally fine! No nausea, no exhaustion, I immediately started worrying! Luckily I started feeling sick during my morning walk, phew! And tonight I did not feel like cooking at all, managed to feed the kids, then told dh he was on his own LOL. I am baking bread though, so he can have some of that once it's finished. I was so glad when I started feeling sick again. And I kept yawning while we were at the Montshire Museum, so I'll take that as a good sign too!

Knitting Lego Bricks

Tired, tired, tired, tired!!! I love it! :-) I was really sick this morning too, I still relish in all the physical signs of pregnancy. The sicker, the better! :-)

I did yet another hike to the beaver pond this morning, and finally remembered to bring my camera. I saw a cat bird, and warbler type bird, but I couldn't figure out which warbler it was. It was yellowish, I think it might have been a yellow warbler, but somehow it didn't seem yellow enough. I couldn't find any other pics in my bird book that matched it exactly either though, so who knows. It was fun to watch it, fly from branch to branch, and making little bird sounds.

I had to get back home in time though to get the kids to homeschool club, and the little ones to gymnastics. They did some drama thing. They all wrote down adjective, noun, and verb I think on pieces of paper, and then each group chose some paper to act out. They ended up acting out things like 'wet legobricks, knitting' and 'sticky zombies, running'. Or at least something like that, I am not sure, but they had tons of fun.

This afternoon, I went back to the vacuum cleaner store for the third time in about 10 days. My vacuum cleaner is broken, and they were supposed to get the right part in today... Guess what? They didn't! But they really really really were going to order the right one now LOL. Well, I guess I have a good excuse to not vacuum for a bit longer :-)

This morning I was extremely nauseous, and this afternoon I almost fell asleep sitting in a chair outside. I am taking these as good signs :-)

SIX Weeks!!!

Wow! I made it yet another week, how amazing!!! I am still extremely happy, and thoroughly enjoying my nausea, my tiredness, and yes, even my yeast infection! These just have to be signs of a healthy pregnancy! I just wish that this perfect and healthy pregnancy would go a bit faster!!!!! It just seems to be creeping by, I will breathe much easier once I am in the second trimester.

After all the miscarriages, I still find it really hard to believe that I actually will end up with a baby in my arms. But strangely enough, it makes me enjoy every moment of pregnancy even more, having experienced the fragility of it too many times. If it can be over any moment, it's even more important to live in the 'now' and to enjoy what is now, as opposed to worrying about the future. So I am not really worried, but on the other hand, I still wonder whether I will be able to carry this pregnancy to term. Weird combo of feelings.

I baked more bread today, and have to try to think of something to eat for supper. My vegetable box will be here today, so I guess I'll wait and see what it contains. This is a CSA box (Community Supported Agriculture) It is wonderful. We paid a sum of money to a local farmer at the beginning of the summer, and in exchange, we are getting a weekly box full of fresh, organic vegetables, delivered to our house! I love it! It's always fun to see what's in it this week, and figure out the best recipes to use it all.

Urinary Frequency

I have found, that pregnancy makes me pee much more frequently. I swear I have peeing every 2 minutes, it seems. When I had to run to the bathroom to pee for the umpteenth time today, I told my 4yo how the baby made me pee more often. She thought for a few seconds and then said 'It's ok when the baby pees in your tummy, right? Because there is no bathroom in there!' I agreed that yes, it was ok for the baby to pee in my tummy. Then she came with 'And when the baby pees in your tummy, that makes you pee more!' LOL, yes, that must be it, it makes perfect sense :-)

Today I finished harvesting the potatoes!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!! That feels good! They are all washed now, and being cured! And tonight I am going to make potato leek soup, from our own potatoes, leeks, carrots, celery, and herbs! That will taste good! It will be accompanied by freshly baked honey/oats/whole wheat bread. Yummy!

I hiked to the beaver pond this morning. I find that once I enter the woods, a feeling of serenity descends on me. There is a sense of homecoming, a feeling of rightness. I love smelling the fresh woods smell, hearing all the nature sounds around me. And of course, seeing the wildlife makes things even better.

I didn't see as many birds today as I did last time. But I saw a winter wren, which I have never seen before. Very cute, very tiny, very special! I was glad I saw her. It was a magical morning anyway, because it was very foggy. There were lots of spiderwebs with drops on them, making them stand out in between the long grass stalks. And I almost couldn't see the other side of the beaver pond, which added to the feeling of magic too.