Exhausted!!!

I am so tired, I am going to keep this very, very short. This morning, I started the day with apple crisp. Or actually, I walked first, and then made apple crisp. Yummy! Later I made tomato sauce and apple sauce for canning. Tonight, the four little ones made pizza, well, I made the dough, but they did the rolling out, and the putting the tomato sauce and cheese on. They had a blast. The 2yo very carefully rolled out his pizza as thin as possible, then folded it all up, n and started all over again LOL

I felt like I was a bit less nauseated today, so was wondering yet again, but the way I am totally exhausted now makes me feel better! I am off to bed now, that is, if I can make it upstairs before collapsing! :-)

Farmer's Market

Today was farmer's market day!!! It is a pretty small farmer's market, but lots of great produce. And the people are very nice, both the ones who are selling, as well as the ones who are walking around at the market. I have made some good friends there.

Now I finally could pick up my sweet potatoes, so that I could make more of the roasted slices that I have been craving so badly. I picked up lots of other stuff, like peppers, zucchini, honey, and winter squash. The kids always have a blast, because they first get croissants or bagels, and after that it's either homemade ice cream or lemonade. They choose.

After the market, we went to our coop's harvest festival. It included a hay ride, which always is tons of fun for every one. It also had lots of free food and drink, it's always nice to sample all the different things they have. Usually there are quite a few animals too, but today there only was a baby water buffalo, and that was it. I was a bit disappointed that there weren't any more animals, but the kids didn't seem to mind.

At home, I froze the peppers, dealt with the 3,000 tomatoes that were still waiting to be canned, making them into a tomato sauce. OK, maybe there were a few less, but still a lot LOL. But for now, there are no more tomatoes waiting on my window sill! Of course, there still are quite a lot of green tomatoes on my plants, but I am ignoring them :-)

We lost two fish today :-( Not sure which ones, I can't really tell them apart. That means there still should be eight fish in the pond. I only saw five at the same time though, so at some point I was curious, and decided to do a sweep with the net on the bottom of the deep part, since you can't really see over there. After finding at least six very disgusting looking dead worms, yuck, I decided that I would just hope that the rest was ok, but did not want to dig for them!

But on the bright side, I found an aquarium at a garage sale! It came with pump, heater, and light, and I paid a total of $2 for all that. This will enable us to get the pond fish through the winter, since the pond is not deep enough for them to overwinter in. Now I just need to hope that we will have enough fish alive to be able to use it though the winter :-)

At supper, I finally could eat my sweet potato slices. We also had corn, and veggieburgers, but I did not feel like corn at all. I looked at it, and I just couldn't bring myself to eat it. It wasn't the corn, it was me. I guess not only have the food cravings started, but so did the aversions!

Still tired, I came home from farmer's market, and harvest festival, and was ready for a nap. Now if only I could have found time for one. Oh well :-)

Tired!

Today I was pretty tired and nauseated, which is a great sign. I still have my moments of doubt about this pregnancy, whether it really will work out, but the tiredness definitely does help. Although of course, I am also wondering whether I just imagine myself being tired, because I want so badly to be exhausted. I think the wondering never stops after so many miscarriages. I am tremendously enjoying this pregnancy, but at the same time I always know how fragile this can be, and how suddenly it can be over.

I even went to bed today! In the middle of the day, which is totally unlike me. I took a book to read, but I did snooze a bit too. I came upstairs, to fall down on my bed, and then discovered that everything was gone, all the sheets, the pillows, and the comforter, because somebody had peed on them last night... So much for laying down on bed LOL I made a makeshift bed from some other comforters and pillows that were laying around.

When I did my morning hike, to the beaver pond, I felt that I had to go uphill to get back home. I never have problems with that, so that was a bit of a surprise. The beaver pond was fun. I brought my binoculars, so that I could watch birds. Let's just say that I still have some room for improvement in my bird identification skills... I saw at least 30 birds, and I identified about 4 of them, got a better look at a few others, but wasn't sure what they were. I saw a whitebreasted nuthatch and some flycatchers, although I am still not sure what kind of flycatchers. Hmmm, maybe they actually were phoebes. Some day I'll be able to identify all those in the two seconds that I see them. But not yet :-)

Tomorrow will be the farmer's market, when I finally can buy more sweet potatoes. How I have been craving them!!!!!! I am drooling just thinking about them!!! At least I was at a friend's house tonight, were they had squash soup. It was close enough to pumpkin soup, and orange enough, that it did alleviate some of the craving, but not all LOL

Apple Picking

Yesterday, we went apple picking, always fun. We went together with a friend, and a great time was had by all. Although I was sitting in the grass, in the nice sunshine, and I just felt myself getting tired. I even started yawning, I think I must have yawned 10 times within 5 minutes or so. My friend must have thought that she was really boring me :-)

My friend wanted to buy donuts to go with the apples, and apple cider, but it turned out that they weren't selling donuts. We solved that by baking our own donuts when we came home. They were a huge success with the kids, even my most picky eater likes them.

In the afternoon, I spent some time sitting next to my pond, and watching the fish. I would like to know whether they all are doing well. I did see three frogs, and a total of 7 fish at one time. Of course that doesn't mean anything, all 10 could be ok. But I haven't seen Ugly-in-the-Pond for a while, wondering about him.

I really enjoy sitting next to the pond, and watching the pond life. There was a dragon fly who kept coming back to the pond, hovering over it, and landing on the rocks. I heard the sounds of crickets all around me. There was a squirrel chattering away in a nearby tree. Blue jays were making their customary blue jay noises, very loud. I was sitting, and relaxing, and felt myself almost falling asleep. Geez, I must have been very relaxed!! LOL

Later that day, I watched a friend's kids. This included my good luck charm baby, who was conceived after 2 years of trying to conceive, just as my little one is. I carried him around in the sling and sucked up his sweet baby vibes. He fell asleep almost immediately, I just love watching sleeping babies, so very adorable!

For dinner I HAD to have sweet potatoes slices, roasted with some salt, pepper, and garlic. Somebody had made them for the Ladies Night Out, and I got totally addicted to them! They were so good! And I couldn't stop thinking about them. Luckily I still had some sweet potatoes leftover from last week's farmer's market, so I could use those. They were so good, but still did not satisfy my craving. I am definitely going to buy more sweet potatoes tomorrow!

We harvested another water melon, a whole of almost 2.5 inches in diameter.... I was not totally sure whether it really would be a watermelon, after the last squash incident :-) But it was!!! An extremely cute, tiny, and ripe watermelon! Amazing!!! 4 Of the kids wanted a piece, so I ritually divided it in 4 pieces, and they eachm ate a whole quarter of a watermelon!!! :-)

Time to go to the chiropractor now, and then I want to bake some bread, we are low. Just boring whole wheat bread, nothing fancy :-) I also might make something with apples, since we picked quite a lot yesterday, but I haven't decided yet on what to bake.

Full day

I made it, I made it, I made it!!! I now, officially, am past 88 % of my miscarriage dates!! How amazing! How wonderful! I finally got my keeper! I am so happy, I still just can't stop smiling!

This morning I had to drop some kids off at a homeschool hike, then go to gymnastics with the others. It was the first time gymnastics for my 2yo son. His big sister was wearing a leotard, so he insisted on wearing a leotard too. Not only that, but it was a very pink, and very glittery one. He was so happy though, I tried talking him out of it, and then decided that it wasn't worth it and let him wear it. He got lots of compliments on his leotard, but I doubt most of those people realized that he is a boy LOL.

Came home, made tamari roasted almonds for our neighborhood's Ladies Night Out, and then we had to go out to karate. Came home yet again, baked an apple cake, and made supper, including a great Maroccan stew over couscous, with the watermelon that turned out to be a squash :-) Was very tasty! I made a lot, so I have some lunches and dinners left. I am trying to cook extras, so I have meals in the freezer when I don't feel like cooking anymore because of nausea and exhaustion, which should hopefully hit soon!

The fish seem to be doing well, some of them have been named already, but not all of them yet. I know we have a Pretty Princess, and we used to have a Poopie-in-the-Pond, but he died. He has been replaced by Ugly-in-the-Pond now....

The Ladies Night Out was great as usual, it's nice that we have people in our neighborhood who like organizing things like this. There was a 4.5mo baby, who I got to hold a lot. He was conceived after 2 years of trying to conceive, and he feels kind of like my good luck totem, since we were at the 2 years anniversary this cycle too. After the night out, I walked for half an hour with one of my friends. A nice relaxing end to a full day!

FIVE weeks!!!!

Five weeks today!!!!!!!!!!!! When I make it till midnight tonight, I will be past 88 % of my miscarriage dates, whew! The later miscarriage was at 11.5 weeks, so it will be a while before I past that date. But that's ok, because I am nog going to miscarry this pregnancy anyway. This is my keeper baby!

I had two friends over today, always fun. The kids played together, we chatted together, and we admired the pond. The pond that came into being when digging yet another vegetable bed in June, and finding this huge rock. I finally got it out (OK, maybe dh did do the actually getting out :-) When the rock came out, I was left with this huge hole in my yard. I looked at it and thought that I could either fill it in again, or... I could make it into a pond!!!! The pond idea won :-)

We also decided to harvest one of the volunteer watermelons (sprouted from the compost pile). I was not totally sure whether they would be ready, they were still light colored. But they had been like that for a while, they sounded hollow, and they were yellow on the bottom. All signs that they could be ripe. So we harvested, took it into the kitchen, watched it, and got ready to do the first, ritual cut. Uggggg, it was HARD!!! Like cutting a rock!!! I started to doubt that it really could be ripe. I had my friend try, and she had a hard time too, but finally did get it cut.

Hmmmmmm, this does not look very watermelon-y..... Actually, it looks way more like some kind of squash! But hey, I was so sure that this was a watermelon? How could it have turned into a squash??? LOLOL. But that's ok. I still have another one outside, from a different plant, that's small, but dark green, and I am totally convinced that that one is a real water melon! Guess what happened? Yep, another squash LOL. Oh well, I scooped out the seeds, and roasted it in the oven, so I can make some Moroccan stew tomorrow.

Later today, we went to the pet store to get some new goldfish for the pond. A few weeks ago, we got six of them, but four of them died within the first few days :-( The other two have been doing great though, so I thought it was time to get new fish. We got eight of them today (luckily they are cheap :-) and released them in our pond. It was amazing how much our 'old' goldfish had grown already, they are a lot bigger than the new ones. It's fun to see all the pond life swimming around now. We have at least four frogs too, but they volunteered, didn't need a pet store to provide those :-)

Digging Potatoes

Today I spent a lot of time digging potatoes. This is the first year I am growing them, and I have been really enjoying it. It's kind of nice to see them sprout in the soil, instead of in my basement :-) Of course, I had totally overestimated how many potatoes I could grow in the space I had set aside for them. So I ended up digging two more potato beds in the spring, and then giving away the rest of the potatoes, because I was just so tired of planting them LOL .

I got a nice variety of potatoes, all kinds of colors. Blue, white, red. Some of them red inside too, others just red on the outside. This means that it is always a surprise which color potato I will dig up now. I have heard it compared to digging for gold, and that's how it feels. The excitement of finding yet another potato! Or yet another rock, which happens a lot too :-)

My oldest decided he wanted to eat french fries with all those cool potatoes. I told him to go for it, showed him how to wash and cut them (we have a french fries cutter) and he spent a few hours getting it all done. All the kids joined in with the cutting, it is fun to see the metamorphose of a potato to french fries.

Now it was my turn. I spent way more time than I really wanted frying them. That wouldn't have been too bad, if the kids hadn't come into the kitchen every 3 milliseconds to ask whether the potatoes were ready yet. But we did end up with a lot of delicious french fries, and even had enough to freeze for two other meals.

I can feel that my energy level is getting lower though, I was actually tired after digging, which I usually am not. I have to admit that I am really happy to feel that happening, all the miscarriages have really shaken my trust in my body, and feeling pregnancy symptoms develop do help me building it back up. The day after tomorrow, I will be past 88 % of my miscarriage dates! I can't wait!

Last year, I spent time digging out bushes to make room for blueberry plants. When I ended up having a miscarriage, one of my friends was saying to me 'You shouldn't have dug up those bushes, no wonder you had a miscarriage!' And here I am again, digging up potatoes, instead of laying around and resting. That's because I fully believe that miscarriages are not being caused by digging, or anything like that. If that was true, we wouldn't need abortion clinics, people could just go dig a hole! I think that a pregnancy either is all right, or it is not, and normal day to day living, including hard physical labor, is not going to change that. Actually, the digging is really good exercise for me, which has to be good for the baby too!

Pumpkins, Pumpkins Everywhere!

Pregnancy and cravings go together. But this is the first pregnancy that I have had a craving for pumpkin soup, of all things! Must be all those volunteer pumpkins growing in our lilac tree (don't ask :-)

Last Saturday, at the farmer's market, I got a good looking, organic pumpkin. It still took me till Wednesday to get around to making the soup though. It turned out really well, was very tasty, and satisfied my craving. So I froze three 2-person portions to eat some other day.

Of course, on Thursday, I figured out that the craving was not gone at all yet! I contemplated defrosting some soup, but figured that a 2-person portion might be too big for me. So I decided instead to buy another pumpkin at next Saturday's farmer's market.

On Saturday, I was desperate enough to buy TWO of them! And a baby one... Because Erik (2yo) was holding it and saying 'We have never had a baby pumpkin before!' I couldn't resist him :-)

Today, I got the soup made. Finally!!!!!!!!! Ended up with about two gallons of pumpkin soup. While I was cooking it, I felt the craving go away LOL. It still tasted good though, and this time I was smart enough to freeze a lot of 1-person portions too!

I also have had pumpkin dreams this week, although I have to admit that I have no idea at all what those pumpkins were doing in my dreams, but maybe they were the ones that caused my craving???

More Beaver Pond Musings

After my deer experience last week, I went back to the beaver pond a few days ago. This time I was there in the morning, and the sun was out, shining on rocks in and around the pond. Suddenly, I saw a small painted turtle on a rock close by. It was stretching its neck and enjoying the sun. After a few minutes, more and more turtles showed up, it was almost magical. No sounds of them, they would just crawl out and sunbathe.

I thought how those turtles symbolized the nice, strong eggs I am ovulating. Not only that, but there were lots of dragonflies dancing around, frolicking here and there, and landing to sunbathe. The really cool looking ones, black and white, they are called common whitetails. I thought that those dragonflies could symbolize the spirits from the babies I lost, playing around the beaver pond. I loved watching them and thinking about my lost little ones.

The beaver pond really helps me to stay grounded, and to calm down all my fears and worries. After I have visited it, I always feel stronger, and calmer. I just love being out in nature!

Spiritual Experience

I had a very negative day yesterday, did a cheap internet hpt in the morning and got a BFN. This got me all depressed, since I hoped they would be pos by now. I was totally sure it would never happen, was feeling very very hopeless, and on top was feeling extremely PMSy, which didn't help either.

I went to a party when there were lots of babies, some of them the age mine would have been if I hadn't had all the losses. Made me even more sad.

When dh came home at night, I told him I needed some time for myself and I hiked to a beaver pond, about 20 minutes from our home. Nobody is ever there, and the nature is breathtaking, so it's a good place to just sit and think.

I watched 2 musk rats, who were moving around in/next to the water. I hoped to see a turtle, like yesterday, but didn't. I also hoped I would see a deer, which I have only seen once there. Enjoyed all the bird songs around me, and at some point I heard an owl too.

I just sat and sat and sat, and soaked up nature. Then it started to rain. It hasn't rained much here lately. It wasn't a lot of rain, but enough to make neat patterns on the water and to hear and feel it all around me.

I started thinking about how the rain promises new growth after a period of drought. And how this rain would clean me from my period of miscarriages and now start a period of new fertility for me. I felt all the negative feelings being flushed away and be replaced by feelings of hope and rightness. I was thinking that if I now would see a deer in addition to this, I would be totally positive that I would get pregnant next month, if I am not already.

So I sat and sat and sat and felt much better. Suddenly, a deer shows up at the other side of the pond!!! Very big ears, and she was feeling that something was different, her tail went up/down/up/down/up/down and she was hesitant and careful. Her tail was soooo pretty, almost like a feather, very fluffy!!! I think she stayed for maybe 5 minutes and then walked away, not ran, but walked. I loved seeing her!!!!!

I sat for a while more and watched the bats come out, and heard the frogs start their chorus. I felt so much more grounded now. I had to go home, because it was getting dark.

This was a real spiritual experience for me. I am glad I decided to take some time to sit there, instead of do the mindless websurfing that I used to do when not feeling well.

13dpo now, and temp is still up. I didnt' want to test today, want to dream a bit more. Another BFN would have destroyed that dream.